PROLOGUE
RALPH, a raven with an umbrella, is pushing his way through the swirling snow and moaning wind toward a house in the distance. The dark is scattered with pinpoints of light from festively lit windows.
RALPH: IF ONLY
If only If only
I were upbeat and cheerful
could think on the bright side
speak COMFORTing words
but no! it’s my doom to be gloomy
it’s the nature of ravens
most thankless of birds
just look at me now,
I’m doubting, unhopeful
off on a mission
that doesn’t bode well
why can’t I be less a depressive
and BELIEVE there’s no cloud that
the sun can’t DISPEL
It’s new year’s eve
I want to make merry
like BIRDS everywhere
but something quite scary
is in the air
I don’t know just what
but it’s churning my gut
there’s a wizard in the picture
and a witch
and their hearts are blacker
than the blackest pitch
IF ONLY If ONLY
LiKE robin or swallow
I never made trouble,
spread worry or dread
were spared from the urge to sing dirges –
but chirp sweet hosannahs
from treetops instead
On new years eve
who heeds the DARK warning
blown out by my horn:
“disaster’s aborning
look out Come morn!
it’s feeling not fact
so i can’t be exact
but there’s a wizard in the picture
and a witch
AND THEIR PLANS ARE BLACKER
ThAN THE BLACKEST PITCH
IF ONLY IF ONLY
AHEAD IN THE DARKNESS
NO DANGER WERE LOOMING
AND I COULD RELAX
BUT NO! IT’S MY DOOM TO BE GLOOMY
AND ALWAYS BE SOUNDING
A PLAGUE-STRICKEN SAX
(He gives a hair-raising croak at the end of the song. A big gust of wind catches his umbrella and blows him offstage)
ACT I
Scene i: Wizard’s laboratory. Books, bottles, alembics, testubes, glasses, globes, coils, etc. A fire beneath a tripod flickers against the hearth. There is a large cuckoo clock on the wall. IRRWITZER, a wizard, is at his desk writing. From somewhere distant the sound of off-key scales, gradually fading into silence.
IRRWITZER
(looking up)
Being of sound mind and body, in my hundred and seventy-third year. . .
(leaning back, reflectively)
Much too young to go to hell…
(bending to his task again)
I hereby bequeath …
(pausing again)
No. Not that grasping hag. I don’t care if she is my last living relation . . . Perhaps a Foundation? For the dissemination of bad ideas disguised as good ones?
(Enter MAURIZIO, a nondescript, overweight cat)
MAURIZIO
Scales always make me thirsty.
(goes to cupboard, opens it)
Nibblets? Cream?
(takes out a bottle of milk, chuga-lugs)
Ahhhhhhhh. . .
(sniffing)
Master, it smells bad in here. Do you think I should open a window?
(no answer)
Master, what are you doing?
IRRWITZER
What am I doing?
(sotto voce)
What’s it look like? Idiot cat!
(out loud)
I’m writing, my pet.
MAURIZIO
What are you writing? Resolutions for the New Year? . . . Or, or . . . could it perhaps be a new remedy for my voice?
IRRWITZER (ironic)
Just so. A new remedy for your voice! I can’t wait to hear it in the full bloom of its glory. A second Pavorotti.
MAURIZIO
Oh Master! Pavorotti!
(Silence. IRRWITZER continues to write)
Do you mean it? Do you really mean it?
IRRWITZER
(absent-mindedly)
Yes, yes, I really mean it.
MAURIZIO
(overcome)
You’re so good to me. No one has ever been so good to me. And I don’t deserve it! . . . If you knew . . . If you only knew – (screwing up his courage) You SHALL know . . .
(still hesitating)
IRRWITZER
Well…
(losing patience)
WHAT IS IT!?
MAURIZIO
(very meek)
Oh, dear. Now I’ve made you angry.
IRRWITZER
(controlling himself, patently hypocritical)
No, no, nothing of the kind. Dear boy. What is it?
MAURIZIO
I’m not the innocent stray
you found on your doorstep one day
a starving cat, more dead than alive
SHAME On me, SHAME on maurizio
HE’S not who HE appearS to be
you fed me, enlisted your skills
to restore with remedal pills
the voice I’d lost and ached to revive
SHAME OH me, SHAME oN maurizio
HE’S NOT WHO HE APPEARS to be
IRRWITZER
(muttering to self)
Who is?
MAURIZIO
You know how the health of of the planet and the lives of all living creatures are at risk..
(Animal cutouts or puppets are silhouetted; singing as if from far away)
WATERS ARE POISONED, AIR IS POLLUTED
FIRES ARE IGNITED, EARTH IS LOOTED
creatures inhabiting earth sea and air
SALMON AND EAGLE, TIGER AND BEAR
furry and feathered, scaly and finned,
TRAPPED AND DISMEMBERED, SHOT DOWN and skinned
IRRWITZER
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm
MAURIZIO
Well, last fall the animals met in council to take steps to save themselves.
(again – puppets sing)
earth and its creatures are under attack
OUR TASK IS IN NEON, UNITE AND FIGHT BACK
(neon lights flash: UNITE AND FIGHT BACK)
And they drew up a list of enemies, and Master – it hurts me so to say it: your name was high on the list!
I’m a spy, a dirty spy, that’s who I am
I’m A SNOOP AND DECEIVER NOT WORTH A DAMN
I have come under your roof
to RETURN with HARD proof
THAT YOU ARE AS BAD AS THey think you are
and THEN WATCH OUT! watCH OUt!
you’ll be tossed on a horn or trampled under- hoof
But master!
THE animal council’s wrong
you’ve BEEN ON OUR SIDE all along
AT WORK, REPAIRING THE ATMOSPHERE
Shame on them, shame on the animals
THEY’VE ALL BEEN BLIND, BUT I’LL MAKE THEM SEE
YOU’re NOT WHO YOU APPEAR TO BE
(tears roll down his cheeks)
MAURIZIO
Can you ever forgive me?
IRRWITZER
(with a wave of his hand.)
You’re forgiven. Now let me –
(banging on the door; IRRWITZER freezes; beat)
MAURIZIO
Master, someone is at the door.
IRRWITZER
I’m not deaf.
MAURIZIO
Maybe it’s the same visitor you had earlier.
IRRWITZER
(sharply)
What do you know about that?
MAURIZIO
Nothing. I heard voices… Don’t you want me to answer it?
IRRWITZER
No. Yes. Say I’m not here.
MAURIZIO
But that’s a lie.
IRRWITZER
Oh, so now you can’t lie!
MAURIZIO
Oh, Master! Is that fair?
IRRWITZER
All right. Don’t answer it.
(desperate, to self, looking around for a place to hide)
It’s too early. I still have time!
(Banging gets louder)
MAURIZIO
Perhaps it’s a neighbor come to wish you Happy New Year.
IRRWITZER
I have no neighbors.
(More banging)
Oh, hell! Answer it.
(MAURIZIO flings open the door – RALPH is blown in by the wind. Shakes himself looks around)
RALPH
Isn’t anyone going to say hello?
MAURIZIO
Hello.
IRRWITZER
Who are you? What do you want?
RALPH
(signals to MAURIZIO. winks broadly, brandishing what’s left of the umbrella)
Just a minute. Let me dry out. I’m soaked.
RALPH and IRRWITZER: I’VE TROUBLES ENOUGH
THE MESSENGER’S LOT IS A HARD ONE
THROUGH HOWLING WIND
AND BLINDING SNOW
HE TRUDGES ON HIS THANKLESS WAY
CHILLED TO THE BONE
TIRED ALONE
I’VE TROUBLES ENOUGH – IT DOESN’T PAY
(HE winks again at MAURIZIO)
IRRWITZER
Get to the point!
RALPH
I’VE BEEN SENT BY YOUR AUNT GRUELLA
SHE’S ON HER WAY
IRRWITZER
WHAT FOR?
RALPH
CAN’T SAY
SOMETHING ABOUT A RECIPE
(HE signals to MAURIZIO again)
IRRWITZER
TREACHEROUS HAG
CUNNING OLD BAG
I’M ON TO HER TRICKS SHE CAN’t fool me
What’s wrong with you? Why do you keep winking?
RALPH
Nerves. Rheumatism. I’m in terrible shape.
IRRWITZER
(Ignoring him, runs around madly, shoving papers in drawers and cleaning up)
WHO CARES IF SHE’S MY ONLY LIVING RELATION
IF SHE THINKS SHE CAN PICK MY BRAIN
SHE’S INSANE
SHE GET NOT A SHRED of FORMULA, a scrap of equation
A Smidgeon of COMPUTATION
WE’VE NOT MET FOR A GOOD HALF CENTURY
THE TIMING STINKS
I SMELL A RAT
THERE’S MORE TO THIS THAN MEETS THE EYE
MEDDLESOME WITCH
RICHER THAN RICH
SHE’LL STEAL WHATEVER SHE CANNOT BUY
|
|
| IRRWITZER
(still dashing about)
NASTY SNOOPING GREEDY THING
I’VE TROUBLES ENOUGH
NOW SHE’S ON HER WAY |
RALPH
(warming himself at the fire)
CHILLS,ARTHRITIS,CRIPPLED WING I’VE TROUBLES ENOUGH
NO WAY DOES IT PAY |
|
IRRWITZER
(muttering, about to leave with an armful of papers)
I bet she’s got wind of… I’ll put everything in my spell-proof safe. No telling what she’s after. . . Maurizio, you take this bird of ill omen to your room and lock him up there. And don’t let him out of your sight. Not for one second!
(He leaves on the fly, dropping a large slip of paper as he goes.
Scene ii: MAURIZIO and RALPH.
(MAURIZIO takes RALPH in hand.)
MAURIZIO
You heard my master. Prisoner, march!
RALPH
Oh, kitty. Take it easy. He’s out of earshot now. We can talk.
MAURIZIO
Talk!? A bird and a cat? What can we possibly have to talk about?
RALPH
In desperate times like these, you ask me a question like that?
MAURIZIO
Do you know to whom you have the privilege of speaking?
I am Maurizio di Mauro, the world famous opera singer.
RALPH
Oh, come off it. You’re a secret agent.
MAURIZIO
(not listening, with bravado)
If you don’t obey, I’ll show my claws. March!
RALPH
The Animal Council, remember? Spies, remember?
MAURIZIO
No. I can’t place you at all.
RALPH
That’s because they sent me to the witch the day after they sent you to the wizard. I kept winking but you didn’t catch on.
MAURIZIO
But why didn’t you come right out and say so?
RALPH
What? In front of your master? Oh, sure, right…
MAURIZIO
But he knows anyhow.
RALPH
What? He found out?
MAURIZIO
No. I told him.
RALPH
Will you run that by me again?
MAURIZIO
It was the honorable thing to do.
RALPH
You nitwit! You idiot! You credulous fool! I don’t believe it! I do believe it! Cats are the pits! Cats are patsys. Cats take the –
MAURIZIO
(grandly)
I will ignore your insults. I am the scion of a long
line of opera stars. I have the gift of song.
(HE practices a few scales, failing miserably)
RALPH
Kitty, no offense, but I hear nothing to brag about.
MAURIZIO
That’s because I’ve hit a sticky patch. But, fortunately, my master is a patron of the arts: In the goodness of his heart, he is helping to restore my voice to all its former glory.
RALPH
The goodness of his heart!
MAURIZIO
Yes. He is treating my voice with special remedies.
RALPH
I bet. Special remedies to make you nod off most of the day, so you won’t see him for what he is.
MAURIZIO
And what in your opinion is he?
RALPH
Why, a black magician, of course, a cunning and powerful enemy.
MAURIZIO
That’s not true!
RALPH
I’ll tear my feathers out – I’ll – How can I convince you?
(kneels suddenly, eyes to the ceiling)
Ramona! Sweetheart! Help me. Help! If you ever loved me, if ever I loved you, I implore you, come to my aid.
MAURIZIO
Who is Ramona?
RALPH
(gets up, looking around the laboaratory, off hand)
My darling wife, my childhood sweetheart, my devoted helpmate, my one and only lo – Hello, what’s this?
(he picks up a piece of paper dropped from Irrwitzer’s bundle: to self, in awe) Kitty, look! Look at this!
MAURIZIO
It’s just a bunch of numbers and stuff. So what?
RALPH
No, no. There on the margin – Don’t you see what he’s drawn?
RALPH and MAURIZIO: A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
|
RALPH
This is you
There is no doubt
The bulging eyes
Protruding tongue
FROM a gibbet’s ARM
TRUSSED and hung
MAURIZIO
It’s NOT true
It can’t be me
RALPH
The scruffy tail
MAURIZIO
How rude you are!
RALPH
underneath your chin
The same white star
There’s truth in the doodles
HATCHED BY the brain
They tell oodles and oodles
makE SEcRET THOUGHTS plain
A DRAWING wears no
disguise
it never lies
ONE PICTURE IS worth a thousand words!
MAURIZIO
IS IT TRUE?
Can this be me?
Am I deceived?
CAN he HAVE LIED?
RALPH
Pictures as clear as this
CAN’T BE DENIED
MAURIZIO
HE WAS always SO GOOD
TO ME
HE FED MY FAVORITe FOOD
TO ME
TUNA MELTS
SARDINES AND SMELTS
utterly scrumptious delicious tidbits
OH Oh OH IT’S VERY HARD
TO SWALLOW!
THE SHAMELES CAD!
The hypocriTE!
SO MANY PROMISES
ALL HOLLOW!
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT
IT’S TRUE
THIS PICTURE DOESN’T FIT
IT’S TRUE
Oh OH OH IT’S VERY HARD
TO SWALLOW!
MY HIGH HOPES DASHED
MY DREAMS ALL SMASHED
SO MANY PROMISES
ALL HOLLOW!
RALPH
GIBBET-ED!
MAURIZIO
HE WANTS ME DEAD
IT’S NOT JUST SUSPICIOUS
IT’S PROOF POSITIVE
|
|
|
RALPH
THERE’S TRUTH IN THE DOODLES
HATCHED BY THE BRAIN
THEY TELL OODLES AND ODDLES
MAKE SECRET THOUGHTS PLAIN
A DRAWING NEVER LIES
IT WEARS NO DISGUISE
ONE PICTURE IS WORTH A
THOUSAND WORDS
|
MAURIZIO
HOW COULD HE
HOW COULD HE
FEED ME SUCH LIES
WEAR A DISGUISE
BUT
ONE PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
|
|
|
|
MAURIZIO
Oh, Ralph! I’m so ashamed. How will I ever live it down!
RALPH
His aunt Gruella tried the same tricks with me. Only I caught on. She’s a money witch.
MAURIZIO
What’s a money witch?
RALPH
She makes money make money, she snaps her fingers and there it is. The nephew makes the poisons and the aunt finances them.
MAURIZIO
Is she really his aunt?
RALPH
Sure thing.
MAURIZIO
How do you know?
RALPH
Snooping. They’re both centuries old. But she’s older. She raised him. But he hates her. And vice versa.
MAURIZIO
Why? What did she do to him?
RALPH
Nothing. Ugly feelings are just second nature to them.
MAURIZIO
So why is she coming here?
RALPH
I don’t know – but she’s up to no good, I can tell you that. I came ahead – she doesn’t even know I’m here – so I could find you and clue you in. I’m counting on your help.
MAURIZIO
My help? What can I do?
RALPH
Two heads are better than one. I need to nail this thing down,
once and for all, and tonight is the night, there’s something in the wind, I feel it in my bones, I –
(suddenly emits a hair-raising involuntary croak)
Sorry. It comes over me. Anyhow, we’re partners now.
(Wind howls in the chimney. Underneath a voice is heard singing)
Gruella: MONEY MAKES MONEY
MAURIZIO
Listen! What’s that?
RALPH
(looking around)
It’s Milady Witch. We’ve got to hurry! Can you read?
MAURIZIO
(condescending)
Can’t you?
RALPH
(RALPH points to a barrel marked POISON)
What does that say?
MAURIZIO
(making it out slowly)
F – no, P – P-O-I-S-O-N – P – P – spells PACKING.
VOICE OF GRUELLA
DINERS AND DOLLARS AND RUPEES AND YEN
MONEY MAKES MONEY MAKES MONEY MAKES MEN
TRA LA TRA LA TRA LA TRA LA TRA LA
RALPH
Will you move it?
(coins come spewing down the chimney as
the VOICE of GRUELLA gets louder
GRUELLA
THE KRONER THE ZLOTY THE FLORINT THE FRANC
(MAURIZIO jumps up, RALPH helps him down inside and pulls the lid across.)
MONEY MAKES MONEY MAKES MORE IN THE BANK
TRA LA TRA LA TRA LA TRA LA
Scene iii: GRUELLA and IRRWITZER
(GRUELLA lands in a spray of coins in the pot which hangs from the chimney on the hearth, where she rocks back and forth as if she were in a swing. The fire light against the wall temporarily freezes, but resumes flickering as she steps into the room. SHE carries a pocketbook shaped like a safe.)
THERE’S SO MUCH TO BUY
AND SO MUCH TO SELL
IF MONEY WERE WATER
I’D BE A WELL
THE SHEKEL THE MARK THE PESO THE POUND
MONEY MAKES MONEY MAKES INTEREST COMPOUND
TRA LA TRA LA TRA LA TRA LA
GRUELLA
Yoohoo! Anyone home?
(Receiving no answer, SHE begins to snoop around, poking here and there, trying to open drawers, etc. SHE is interrupted as IRRWITZER enters, and tries to cover by rushing forward to embrace him)
Ah, Beelzebub Irrwitzer, my precious nephew. Let me look at you.
IRRWITZER
Don’t precious me. It’s been a half-century.
GRUELLA
You haven’t changed a bit.
IRRWITZER
You have. You’ve aged horribly.
GRUELLA
And you are as ugly as ever.
(Long silence. THEY stare at each other hatefully)
IRRWITZER
All right. State your business.
GRUELLA
Business?
IRRWITZER
Yes. I was hardly expecting a social call.
GRUELLA
You knew I was coming?
IRRWITZER
Of course.
GRUELLA
How?
IRRWITZER
Your raven.
GRUELLA
He was here?
IRRWITZER
Didn’t you send him?
GRUELLA
(vexed)
I did not. I intended it to be a surprise.
IRRWITZER
Too bad.
GRUELLA
He’s a spy sent out by the Animal Council. He thinks I don’t know. Typical birdbrain.
IRRWITZER
I’ve got one too. A cat. Gluttonous, gullible, and vain. I’ve flattered him, pampered him, and stuffed him with tranquillizers from day one. He’s even persuaded he has a great voice I’m bringing out. It’s pathetic.
(MAURIZIO, peering out from under the lid, suppresses a sob, and almost tumbles out, while THEY laugh uproariously)
GRUELLA
Where are they, anyhow?
IRRWITZER
In Maurizio’s room. I told him to take your bird there and keep him under lock and key.
GRUELLA
Can he be trusted?
IRRWITZER
You can bet your last penny.
GRUELLA
I don’t have such a thing.
(beat)
IRRWITZER
So? May I inquire again what brings you here?
GRUELLA
Remember dear Uncle Virus?
IRRWITZER
How could I not? He remembered ME and very handsomely. Unlike you.
GRUELLA
That’s water over the dam.
IRRWITZER
It is? You were very nasty about it at the time. Threatened me with a law suit, as I recall. Until you realized how many cans of worms it might open.
GRUELLA
Look, Bubby, it was fifty years ago. You can’t hold a grudge forever. Anyhow, I didn’t come to fight. I’ve come in a true spirit of reconciliation. It’s the New Year. A time for new beginnings.
IRRWITZER
Oh? Explain yourself.
GRUELLA
Among the items in his will was a certain scroll. It was about two and a half yards long.
IRRWITZER
It’s worthless. He tore the original in two during one of his spectacular temper tantrums. I only got half. Margaret Mummycase got the other. He had a soft spot for movie stars.
GRUELLA
Since it’s worthless, you won’t object to making me a present of it, will you?
IRRWITZER
A present? I never give presents.
GRUELLA
All right, I’ll buy it.
(SHE mutters while fiddling with the combination to her safe-pocketbook which SHE has set down against a wall or on a surface with a drop, through which she can draw endless amounts of paper bills through a false bottom or side.)
MAMMON, GREAT PRINCE,
RULER OF MANKIND –
GIVE DOLLARS AND CENTS
TO LOOSE AND TO BIND.
(drawing out huge wads of bills)
One thousand, two thousand five thousand, ten
IRRWITZER
No.
GRUELLA
(SHE throws out a lot more money)
I’ll double to twenty, and double again
IRRWITZER
No.
GRUELLA
My very last offer, a COOL hundred THOU
(SHE throws out another pile of bills)
IRRWITZER
No.
GRUELLA
YOU USED TO LOVE MONEY WHY DON’T YOU NOW?
What makes you so stubborn?
IRRWITZER
What makes you so eager?
GRUELLA
(ignoring him, SHE wonders toward the fire place, staring into it, meditatively)
Bubby, dear, remember what good times we use to have when Uncle Virus was still alive? How the whole family used to get together, before your dear parents died, there was Grandaddy Deadwood, and Aunt Tarantula, and your cousin Jaundice and his sister, Salmonella – remember the day we all went on a picnic, and –
GRUELLA
(very sentimental)
we SET the woods on fire HANDILY
WE WATCHED THE SKY TURN RED
and SANG TO WAKE THE DEAD
A SIMPLE, POOR HARD-working FAMILY
what BRILLIANT times we had
we were so very bad
so wild, so willful, raising hell together
There was no stopping us
no overtopping us
those days are now all one with wind and weather
we used to spread confusion handily
we cut the power lines
reversed the traffic signs
a simple poor hard-working family
what BRILLIANT times we had
TOGETHER
(IRRITZER joins in despite himself)
we were so very bad
so wild, so willful, raising hell together
there was no stopping us
no overtopping us
those days are now all one with wind and weather
IRRWITZER
remember how we bit the wings off butterflies
GRUELLA
and tied tin cans to tails of dogs and cats
IRRWITZER
and painted CHURCH YARD tombstones with graffitti
GRUELLA
and colonised the movie house with rats
BOTH
we spit on Law and order handily
we sawed the bars off jails
AND sTREWED the roads with nails
a simple poor hard-working family
WHAT BRILLIANT TIMES WE HAD
WE wERE SO VERY –
Irrwitzer
(cutting off abruptly)
Stop! You’re not getting away with this! It’s no use tugging at my heartstrings. I don’t have any. Neither do you, you old hypocrite.
GRUELLA
(she turns around sharply and catches her dress on a table corner. She tries to yank it free.)
You are the rudest person in the world! You’re just as nasty stubborn little boy, you haven’t changed a bit since I took you in as an orphan and –
(SHE has kept tugging until it suddenly releases and she stumbles backward. As she does, her hat falls off and a scroll concealed inside it tumbles out. SHE stares at it ruefully)
All right. I have the other half. I went all the way to Hollywood to buy it from Margaret Mummycase. She drove a hard bargain, too.
(IRRWITZER extends a hand, she slaps it back, laying it out.)
Keep your distance, boy-O.
IRRWITZER
(puts on glasses, peering)
Hmmmmm. Yes…It appears to be – some kind of recipe…
For what?
GRUELLA
(looking at the clock)
Nothing special. Just a punch. The very thing, I thought, to celebrate the New Year …
IRRWITZER
Oh, sure. You come all this way to share a drink with your favorite nephew. Com’on, spit it out.
GRUELLA
(again looking at the clock)
We’re wasting time. Promise you’ll sell me your half if I do?
(HE nods in a way that can be interpreted as yes)
GRUELLA
All right. It’s a recipe for the legendary Alcodiaboliholic Wish Elixer. It can be brewed only on New Year’s Eve, the midpoint of the twelve days between Christmas and Epiphany when black magic powers are at their height. Each glass of punch represents one wish. You state your wish, chugalug the lot, and Bob’s your uncle: Your wish comes true.
IRRWITZER
Blazes and brimstone!. . . How do you know?
GRUELLA
It’s written on my half of the scroll.
IRRWITZER
(walks about the room, pauses and drums his fingers on the barrel)
If this is true –
GRUELLA
It’s true –
IRRWITZER
Don’t interrupt. If this is true, there’s no end to what can be accomplished in very short order. But there’s a hitch: Those blasted spies. You know our agenda: Everything we do to cripple nature and spread blight must SEEM to be beneficial. At all costs, we are to remain undetected. I don’t know about your raven, but my cat is convinced I am a benevolent magician working for the good of mankind. If it hadn’t been for the Animal Council, I would have vivesected him by now. But if those two come to harm, or can prove what we’re up to, it’s all up with us: Suppose armies of termites, or warrior ants, or squadrons of attack birds or herds of elephants were sent against us, it would top the Egyptian plagues, and –
GRUELLA and IRRWITER: YOU BETTER BELIEVE
GRUELLA
WAIT A MINUTE, LET ME SPEAK
WE WANT THE SPIES TO HEAR US
THIS PUNCH GRANTS MAGIC WISHES
WITH A FEATURE THAT’S DELICIOUS
AND UNIQUE:
IT REVERSES WHAT YOU WISH
THEY’LL THINK US SAVIORS OF MANKIND
THEY’LL NEVER KNOW OUR WISHES
ARE MALICIOUS
THEY WILL BE BLIND BE BLIND
Here is how it works.
YOU MAKE A WISH FOR WHITE
WHEN WHAT YOU WANT IS BLACK
YOU MAKE A WISH FOR FRONT
WHEN WHAT YOU WANT IS BACK
YOU WISH FOR FERTILE SOIL
TO ROT THE HEALTHY SEED
TO MAKE THE MARKETS ROIL
YOU WISH AN END TO GREED
TO GET THE CROPS TO FAIL
YOU WISH FOR THEM TO GROW
TO MAKE THE STREAMS RUN DRY
YOU WISH FOR THEM TO FLOW
IRRWITZER
But this is made to order! They’ll hear us wishing, and never know …
GRUELLA
You said it, Boy-0!
BOTH
(dancing around ecstatically)
THE FATE OF THE WORLD
IS IN OUR HANDS
UNBOUNDED POWERS
WILL SOON BE OURS
WE’LL WORK SUCH WOE
AS HASN’T BEEN SEEN
AS HASN’T BEEN SEEN
GRUELLA
SINCE WHEN?
IRRWITZER
I KNOW
SINCE THE TIME OF EDEN AND ADAM AND EVE
BOTH
YOU BETTER BELIEVE
YOU BETTER BELIEVE
SINCE THE TIME OF EDEN AND ADAM AND EVE
THE CHANGES WE’LL MAKE
ARE SIMPLY COLLOSSAL
THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
WILL SOON BE A FOSSIL
WE’LL WORK SUCH WOE
AS HASN’T BEEN SEEN
AS HASN’T BEEN SEEN
SINCE WHEN?
WE KNOW
SINCE THE TIME OF EDEN AND ADAM AND EVE
YOU BETTER BELIEVE
YOU BETTER BELIEVE
SINCE THE TIME OF EDEN AND ADAM AND EVE
A WISH FOR WORLDWIDE PEACE
WILL BRING ON GLOBAL WAR
YOU WISH FOR FABLED WEALTH
YOU’LL END UP AS DIRT POOR
THE FATE OF THE WORLD
IS IN OUR HANDS
UNBOUNDED POWERS
WILL SOON BE OURS
THE WORLD WILL BE UPSIDE DOWN
NO HAND WILL SET IT RIGHT
WHAT FUN BLACK MAGIC IS
WHEN IT PRETENDS IT’S WHITE
GRUELLA
(looking at the clock)
We’d better get started. Time is short.
IRRWITZER
(suspiciously)
What’s the hurry? I bet there something you’re holding back!
GRUELLA
Of course not. It’s just that when midnight chimes ring, at the very first note the punch loses its reversing power.
IRRWITZER
You’re not going to tell me that magic straight from hell can be canceled by a stupid bell! Now a rooster at daybreak maybe –
GRUELLA
No no. The magic isn’t canceled. The reversing power is canceled. At midnight, if you haven’t finished, if one drop remains, your wishes will come true. If you wish for peace, you don’t get war, you get peace!
IRRWITZER
How awful!
GRUELLA
So where is it? Where’s your half?
IRRWITZER
No. Wait. I know you, you’re still hiding something.
GRUELLA
Hiding? Nonsense. I merely want to celebrate the New Year. See? (producing New Year’s paraphernalia) I even brought hats and horns with me! My only mistake was to think you might want to celebrate too.
IRRWITZER
After fifty years? Uh uh. It doesn’t wash.
GRUELLA
Dear nephew, why must you credit me with such bad –
IRRWITZER
You keep your half and I’ll keep mine.
(HE starts to leave the room. GRUELLA has a tantrum, jumps up and down, mayhem in the laboratory, fire, smoke, thunder, the floor opens up, fire breathing monsters form in the air and dissolve, or whatever effects can be managed.)
Control yourself, please. I don’t appreciate bad manners.
(SHE restores everything to the status quo ante. Starts weeping buckets of crocodile tears)
Oh, stop it. You’re an embarrassment.
GRUELLA
(stops, sits down)
All right. … I’ll tell you. I’m in a sticky situation. A few hours ago I had a visitor …
Scene iv: GRUELLA, IRRWITZER, MAGGOT. The hands on the clock slowly turn backwards by an hour and stop when Maggot’s name is pronounced by all three.
IRRWITZER
Wait! I had a visitor too.
GRUELLA
Was he dressed in black?
IRRWITZER
He was dressed in black. Did he have a briefcase?
GRUELLA
He had a briefcase. Does his name contain an M?
IRRWITZER
His first name or his last?
GRUELLA
Both.
MAGGOT
(Appears on a central raised area, perhaps at balcony level; he removes his bowler hat, revealing a bald head with two small glowing red knobs, as he introduces himself. All three say his name simultaneously.)
Maledictus Maggot!
(MAGGOT continues as spotlights isolate the wizard and witch, who move to separate areas, so that during the following they are not aware of each other.)
Representative of His Infernal Highness, your patron and benefactor, who, in return for your cooperation, has granted you powers far out of the ordinary.
(bows to each, sits)
IRRWITZER & GRUELLA
(strangled voices)
What an honor.
MAGGOT
There is a little matter of a contract.
(opens the briefcase on his knees, withdraws papers)
IRRWITZER
Oh! A contract.
GRUELLA
Fancy that. A contract.
MAGGOT
The contract you signed a year ago tonight.
IRRWITZER
A year ago tonight. Is it really?
GRUELLA
Time flies, doesn’t it.
MAGGOT
The contract in which you agreed to –
(music under, first to IRRWITZER¸ then to GRUELLA, in a sonorous voice, intoning in a sort of chant )
(to IRRWITZER)
pollute five rivers once or one river five times;
(to GRUELLA)
produce triple digit inflation in three countries;
(to IRRWITZER) ]
kill ten thousand trees;
(to GRUELLA)
bankrupt half a million individuals or a quarter million companies;
(to IRRWITZER)
make ten species extinct;
(to Gruella)
enlarge the worldwide gap between rich and poor by fifty percent;
(reading to himself)
Etcetera, etcetera …… ah yes:
(to IRRWITZER)
cause widespread flooding or drought through manipulation of the climate;
(to GRUELLA)
corrupt eighty percent of the politicians in five of the richest countries.
(TO BOTH)
Half your quotas are unfilled.
(music under)
GRUELLA & IRRWITZER
But… but…but
GRUELLA
It’s not my fault. It’s my nephew’s fault! I depend on him for the products I bring to market.
IRRWITZER
There are extenuating circumstances.
MAGGOT
Oh?
(very fast, overlapping)
IRRWITZER
Yes, it’s that wretched cat! I should have –
GRUELLA
How could I do my part when
IRRWITZER
vivesected him. I lulled his suspicions only –
GRUELLA
I never got his products
IRRWITZER
curiosity can kill a cat but you can’t kill –
GRUELLA
on time. My hands were –
IRRWITZER
a cat’s curiosity. He was always snooping, he still had a sharp –
GRUELLA
tied. He was always behind – What could I –
IRRWITZER
eye and keen nose, and how would you like to work with a spy breathing down your neck – suppose he’d reported –
GRUELLA
do? Besides, that stupid raven was in the way, sticking his nosy beak into everthing –
IRRWITZER
me. I had to work below the radar. The Animal Council is not to be sneezed at. Did you ever try to hypnotize a wild boar? Or a locust? Just think what would happen if they suspend the laws of nature and unite!
TOGETHER
Tell your master –
MAGGOT
Stop. Enough. You’ve failed to meet your commitments. You know what the penalty is.
MAGGOT, IRRWITZER, GRUELLA: I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE
TOGETHTER
an extension
just grant me a brief extension
that’s all i need
to make good
IRRWITZER
in the coming year
i promise to exceed
my PRESENT quota
THE blueprint’s IN THE PIPELINE
for a new addictive soda
mAGGOT
not good enough
GRUELLA
I’ve devised a WAY
to MARKET fear and greed
as flavored water
in malls and supermarkets
and even by mail order
MAGGOT
not good enough
You’ve come up short
and that’s the bottom line
you know what’s in store
the print is not so VERY fine
IRRWITZER
I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE
I’M ONLY A HUnDRED and seventy-three
I’VE JUST HIT MY STRIDE
MY life is still waitng for me
GRUELLA
I’m too young to die
I’m only three hundred and FIFTY-one
I’VE JUST REACHED MY PRIME
MY best years have BARELY begun
IRRWITZER
talents like mine are rare very rare
GRUELLA
where will you find another like me
MAGGOT
no one is indespensable
GRUELLA
besides it’s not midnight yet
IRRwitzer
I still have time, don’t forget
MAGGOT
WHAT CAN BE DONE BETWEEN NOW AND THEN
PROTEST IS indefensible
GRUELLA
I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE
NOT EVEN THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-TWo
JUST THInK WHAT A CRIME
THERE’S SO MUCH I STILL WANT TO DO
I HAVE SUCH VISIONARY PLANS
I’LL OUT-TYCOON YOUR TOP TYCOON
WITH HIS MINIMUM TAX BASE
I’LL PRIVATISE THE GALAXY
SELL SHARES IN OUTER SPACE
ACQUIRE REAL ESTATE ON THE MOON
(kneeling)
I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE
IT’S MUCH TOO SOON
FORGIVE ME AND give me
just another fifty years
IRRWITZER
I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE
NOT EVEN A HUNDRED AND SeVEnTY-FOUR
I’M BARely full growN
I OUGHT TO HAVE CENTURIES MORE
I’LL MULTIPLY MY EXPERTISE
AND PERPETUATE MY NAME
WITH IRRWITZERS IN SMALL
a dozen MONSTER IRRWITZERS
ALL AT MY BECK AND CALL
to miss this chance would BE such a shame
(kneeling)
YOU CAN’T LET ME DIE
AT THE TOP OF MY GAME
FORGIVE ME AND GIVE ME
JUST ANOTHER FIFTY YEARS
GRUELLA
I’ll make it worthwhile name your price
MAGGOT
I NEVER TAKE BRIBES
IRRWITZER
I’ll teach you to make fire from ice
MAGGOT
I NEVER TAKE BRIBES
TOGETHER
JUST THIS ONCE, PLEASE O PLEASE
MAGGOT
HOWEVER YOU PLEAD YOU WILL NOT SUCCEED
SO GET OFF YOUR KNEES
”FORGIVE ME” AND “PLEASE”
ARE NOT IN MY VOCABULARY
IRRWITZER GRUELLA MAGGOT
|
I DON’T WANT TO DIE
IT’S MUCH TOO SOON
OH, WORTHY SIR
GRANT ME THIS BOON
ANOTHER TWENTY YEARS
TO BREATHE THE AIR
ANOTHER TEN YEARS
THAT’S ALL THAT’S ALL
JUST ANOTHER WEEK
TIME TO PREPARE
I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE
IT’S MUCH TOO SOON
NO-O-O-O |
I DON’T WANT TO DIE
IT’S MUCH TOO SOON
OH, WORTHY SIR
GRANT ME THIS BOON
ANOTHER TWENTY YEARS
IT ISN’T FAIR
ANOTHER SUMMER
ANOTHER FALL
IT ISN’T FAIR
IT ISN’T FAIRJ
JUST ONE MORE DAY
JUST ANOTHER SUN
JUST ANOTHER MOON
I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE
IT’S MUCH TOO SOON
NO-O-O-O-O |
I DON’T DEAL IN FEELINGS
THERE’S NO REPEAL
A CONTRACT’S
A CONTRACT
I DON’T MEAN T0 HAGGLE
IT’S IN THE BAG
A CONTRACT’S
A CONTRACT
HERE’S WHERE YOU SIGNED
ON THE DOTTED
LINE
I ADVISE YOU TO MAKE OUT
YOUR LAST WILLS AND TESTAMENTS
AT MIDNIGHT I’LL RETURN
IF YOU’RE STILL IN ARREARSTHE ONE THING CERTAIN IS
CURTAINS!
|
(A curtain drops – when it lifts MAGGOT is gone. GRUELLA and IRRWITZER return to the center.)
GRUELLA
Horrible. . .
IRRWITZER
Horrible. .. I’d even started to write my will,
but now –
TOGETHER
The elixir!
GRUELLA
There’s not a minute to lose.
IRRWITZER
I’ll fetch the other half. You stay here.
GRUELLA
Uh uh. I’m coming with you. I trust you of course, but nothing serves like one’s own eyes.
(THEY leave together.)
Scene v: RALPH and MAURIZIO
(RALPH and MAURIZIO climb out of the barrel and stagger around as if they were drunk)
RALPH
My head feels funny. What kind of packing did you say was in that barrel?
MAURIZIO
I can’t believe it: “gluttonous, gullible, and vain” – The – the humiliation!
RALPH
I wish I felt better… My wings… I thought it was bad before. I bet I’m crippled for life.
MAURIZIO
Me, the last of a noble line of minnesingers, Maurizio di ….
(abruptly sits down)
I feel terrible.
RALPH
You too?
MAURIZIO
(beat – in a small voice)
Ralph……..I … I …. I owe you an apology.
RALPH
Tell me about it.
MAURIZIO
No, I mean… I mean…
RALPH
Yes?
MAURIZIO
I can’t read.
(Beat)
RALPH
I should have stayed in the nest with Ramona.
(beat)
MAURIZIO
Do you think they really mean it?
RALPH
Mean to destroy the planet? You can bet your last whisker.
MAURIZIO
But we have to do something!
RALPH
Oh, sure. What?
MAURIZIO
I had an aunt Mia, she wasn’t really my aunt, but we all called her Aunt Mia, and she was known to be very wise and her advice, when you didn’t know what to do, was –
SONG: THINKING CAPS
MAURIZIO
(HE mimes putting on hat)
JUST PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAP
AND TIE IT UNDERNEATH THE CHIN
SOME HAPPY THOUGHT WILL TELL US WHAT TO DO
TO HEAD OFF PLANETARY RUIN
SOME HAPPY THOUGHT – A TINY HINT, A HELPING CLUE ….
RALPH
PERHAPS …
(MAURIZIO hands imaginary cap to RALPH, who puts it on)
MAURIZIO
PERHAPS ….
BOTH
THINKING THINKING THINKING
MAURIZIO
I know what! Let’s throw her half of the recipe into the fire!
(He goes toward the scroll, touches it, and is flung back as if electrocuted)
RALPH
Kitty, we’re out of our depths.
MAURIZIO and RALPH
WE’VE GOT ON OUR THINKING CAPS
WE’VE TIED THEM TIGHT BENEATH THE CHIN
WE’LL THINK A THOUGHT TO JINX THEIR MAGIC BREW
AND TELL THEM: NOTHIN’ DOIN’
IT’S UP TO US, TO THINK THIS KNOTTY PROBLEM THROUGH
THINKING THINKING THINKING
MAURIZIO
The Animal Council?
RALPH
Too far. Too late.
MAURIZIO
People in town?
RALPH
People and animals? Hah! People either put us in cages or hunt us down and kill us.
MY THINKING CAP IS FAILING ME
MY HEART IS SINKING LOW
THE OUTLOOK IS SO DARK AND GRIM
WE CAN’T STOP HER,
WE CAN’T STOP HIM
PUSSIKINS, WE’RE OUT OF LUCK
MY MIND’S A BLANK, MY BRAINS ARE STUCK
MAURIZIO
IT’S DARKEST BEFORE DAWN
WE CAN’T GIVE IN WE MUST GO ON
THINKING THINKING THINKNG
Mix up their ingredients?
RALPH
Oh, sure. You saw what just happened. They won’t let us watch them at work, anyhow. It’s all I could do to find out what I have about the old witch, she always kept me at arm’s length when she got busy with her spells and stuff. Same with her nephew and you, I bet.
MAURIZIO
It’s true, he worked at night, and I spent a lot of time in my room sleeping. And whenever I came around, he always stopped doing whatever it was, as if I were more important. . .Oh, Ralph, how could I have been so blind . . .
RALPH
Never mind. They’ll just call us in for the finale, when they start wishing. So we won’t have a shred of proof.
BEFORE IT’S MIDNIGHT BY THE CLOCK
WHEN THEY HAVE DRUNK THE FINAL DROP
THE WISHES THAT THEY MAKE WILL SEEM TRUE-BLUE
AND NOTHING THEN CAN STOP THEM
THINKING CAP, O THINKING CAP, THINK ME WHAT TO DO!
MAURIZIO
You know what? Why don’t you ask Ramona again.
RALPH
I don’t want to tempt my luck twice.
MAURIZIO
It can’t hurt, can it?
RALPH
OK.
(kneels, same as before)
Ramona! Ramona! Darling! Help me. Help! If you ever loved me, if ever I loved you, I implore you, come to my aid.
(They wait. Nothing happens)
I guess that was a nonstarter.
(the clock strikes: It is a cuckoo clock that extends a thumb, while a hammer hits it nine times: Ow! Ow! Ow! Etc.)
RALPH
Nine o’clock. Maybe it’s wrong…
MAURIZIO
What time is it by the clock on the cathedral?
RALPH
(goes to the window)
The same.
MAURIZIO
Three hours! Just three hours before the chimes ring in the New Year.
(pause: they sit glumly)
RALPH
The chimes! The bell tower! That’s it. Of course!
MAURIZIO
The chimes?
RALPH
Remember what milady witch said?
MAURIZIO
That money was magic?
RALPH
No. Yes. No. I mean when she said the wishes have to be finished by midnight, or they don’t get reversed.
MAURIZIO
Oh! . . . But I don’t see how that –
RALPH
What if it’s midnight before it’s midnight?
MAURIZIO
. . . yes?
RALPH
If it’s already midnight and they don’t know it and keep wishing … If somehow the bells ring early… and the good wishes come true…
MAURIZIO
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh – but how can that happen?
RALPH
We’ll make it happen! Com’on, let’s go check out the bells.
MAURIZIO
Ralph, you’re a genius bird!
BOTH
THINKING CAP, O THINKING CAP,
JUST THINK– WE KNOW NOW WHAT TO DO!
WE DO WE DO WE KNOW NOW WHAT TO DO!
(RALPH goes to door, forces it open and is sucked out by the wind. )
MAURIZIO
Ralph, Wait! Wait up! I’m coming. I’m right behind you.
(HE runs after him)
ACT II
Scene i: IRRWITZER’s laboratory.
(Just after the doors slams behind RALPH and MAURIZIO, IRRWITZER and GRUELLA enter, one behind the other, Irrwistzer holding the front part, and Gruella the back part of the missing half of the recipe.)
GRUELLA
(huffing and puffing)
Slow down, you jerk. I’m right behind you. Do you want to tear the precious thing?
(If it can be managed, the two halves fly to meet each other; otherwise THEY fit their half to the other half)
GRUELLA
The halves join together of themselves. True love.
IRRWITZER
That word gives me the creeps.
GRUELLA
Will it hold?
IRRWITZER
Of course.
GRUELLA
How did you do that?
IRRWITZER
I doubt you can grasp the scientific premise. Movement and heat can exist only in positive time. In negative time, created by anti-time particles, they cancel each other out. Result: the fire freezes.
GRUELLA
Can you touch it?
IRRWITZER
What’s to stop you?
GRUELLA
(touching it)
Teach me how to do that.
IRRWITZER
Professional secret.
GRUELLA
All right. Let’s get started. Only don’t get sloppy.
COOKING SONG
When you’re cooking up a magic brew
You cannot skimp or overdo
No indeed
You have to follow the directions
One by one
Until you’re done
No need for butter
No need for oil
No need to bake
or fry or bRoil
NO NEED, indeed
Just combine
GRUELLA
(reading off the ingredients, as IRRWITZER fetches them from drawers and cupboards)
A half cup of despair
TWO DABS of envy-ointment
a drop of parting’s sorrow
a pinch of disappointment
BOTH
As they drop the items in the cauldron:
No need for poultry
no need for MEAT
NO NEED TO BRAISE
or slice or beat
No NEED indeed
MERELY ADD
GRUELLA
(continues reading as IRRWITZER drops in items)
a lunatic’s mad laugh
TO a salamander’s fire
MIX IN a Broken promise
AND thE WORD OF A BORN liar
IRRWITZER
So far so good.
GRUELLA
Now for the thickening.
(GRUELLA reads and IRRWITZER takes notes)
THREE tiger stripeS
A scorpion’S sting
TWO grasshopper hops
a barfly’s wing
six mermaid SCALES
a wolf cub’S CRY
Some crocodile tearS
a Cyclop’s eye
(HE goes to a rack and takes out the items in spice bottles.)
IRRWITZER
All at the ready…
(pauses)
… except… except – that last item’s hard to come by … Where’s my thesaurus for substitutes?
(HE goes to a shelf, takes off book, checks
index, then turns to the page)
Hmmmmmmmm…
(Goes to a drawer)
Ah Ha! LISTEN:
(Takes out a packet, drops it with the other items in the cauldron.)
TO WORK THE SPELL
THE EYE OF NEWT
WILL DO AS WELL
AND ALSO SUIT
yes indeed…
LAST you need
a dose of early disillusion
THEN stir UNTIL it thickens to a paste
dilute with CHOAS AND confusion
GRUELLA
make sure The texture’s not too runnY
(looking over the cauldron, then, having prepared it in the meantime, SHE produces a bottle and stirs in her contribution. The cauldron gradually takes on a fiery red glow)
then top it off with liquid money
JUST ENOUGH to taste
(they stick their fingers in and lick them, smacking their lips )
IRRWITZER
A tad more?
GRUELLA
(She complies, then tastes again)
Perfect!
BOTH
NOW WE HAVE THE StOCK
ON WHICH THE BREW IS BASED
IRRWITZER
First we let this neutral layer settle. Then, we’ll add the powers of magic, and we’ll be halfway there.
Scene ii: The backward tilted bell tower of the cathedral. RALPH and MAURIZIO are laboriously making their way upward through wind and snow. MAURIZIO is in front.
RALPH
How much farther is it?
MAURIZIO
Not that far. We must be halfway there..
RALPH
We were fools ever to start. We’re going to die on this steeple.
MAURIZIO
The cathedral doors were locked. What else could we do?
(beat)
RALPH
I’ve had it. I’m played out. You go on without me..
MAURIZIO
I will not!
RALPH
Sorry, Kitty. I’m at the end of my tether. Whatever was in that barrel about did me in.
MAURIZIO
We’ve come this far. You can’t give up now.
RALPH
I don’t see why not.
MAURIZIO
Because you can’t. That’s why. You just can’t.
RALPH
Give me one good reason.
MAURIZIO
Well, how about Ramona? Isn’t she worth it?
RALPH
Oh, Kitty. Ramona… I’m afraid I’ve given you the wrong impression.
MAURIZIO
You mean you don’t love her?
RALPH
I adore her.
MAURIZIO
She doesn’t love you?
RALPH
She used to.
MAURIZIO
Oh, dear.
RALPH
Oh, Maurizio, it’s me, my gloomy nature. I can’t be positive. I just can’t. She got sick of it, said I’m contagious! So we decided on a breather, a trial separation. That’s why I took this assignment. I’m sorry if I led you on. I didn’t want to burden you with my troubles.
MAURIZIO
You led me on! Oh, Ralph. You don’t know! Listen to this: I’m not the great swell you take me for. I’m just a two-bit alley cat. As for Maurizio, hah! My name is Morris!
(pause)
RALPH
What made you say all those things?
MAURIZIO
It’s this way, Ralph: when brickbats are flying, and you’re half-starving, and life is a blind alley, and what you truly want is to be a great artist, if you don’t call on your dreams, you’re never going to make it.
RALPH
I dunno … I’m not the dreaming type.
MORRIS
And Ramona .. you don’t dream of being together again?
RALPH
Where would I start?
A SONG ON THE TONGUE: RALPH AND MORRIS
MORRIS
It’s simple: you tell her you love her.
RALPH
She knows.
MORRIS
Then tell her how sorry you are.
RALPH
She knows.
MORRIS
Promise to turn over a new leaf.
RALPH
I have, but it brings no relief
I keep thinking dark thoughts, dark thoughts
and hopelessness GROWS and grows.
MORRIS
to get rid of dark thoughts, replace them with bright ones.
so said Aunt Mia, and that cat was wise
RALPH
How can wrong thoughts be turned into right ones?
MORRIS
you picture the opposite
of what you are thinking
come on now, at least try it on for size
What are you thinking?
RALPH
How cold I am.
MORRIS
What should you picture?
RALPH
The sun in July.
MORRIS
What else?
RALPH
How bleak is the outlook.
MORRIS
What should you picture?
RALPH
The dove that brings news of dry land.
MORRIS
What else?
RALPH
I have aged ten years in an hour?
MORRIS
What should you picture?
RALPH
The fountain of youth.
MORRIS
There you go, Ralph! Don’t tell me you don’t understand. Now come on, just imagine:
It’s a lovely morning,
the world is young
and we are young with it
how cloudless the sky
how SUNNY the sun
what a blessing to have a song on the tongue
(MORRIS conducts while RALPH continues)
It’s a lovely morning
our love is young
and we are young with it
how sweet is HER touch
how gentle HER eye
what a blessing are words of love on the tongue
HIGH OFF THE GROUND
with leaves all around
my love and I
perch two abreast
in our hidden nest
with leaves all around
high off the ground –
MORRIS
with desperate sadness your heart was wrung
TOGETHER
now hope is MY/YOUR mantra
a mind that’s made quiet
and heart that’s at peace
may JOIN to bring forth a song on the tongue
RALPH
High off the ground
where love-songs abound
MY LOVE AND I
WILL BILL AND COO
AS ALL couples DO
High off the ground
where love-songs abound
TOGETHER
Let’s look to the angels, whose harps are strung
to celebrate loving
what heavenly joy
what earthly delight
let praise and thanksgiving LIFT OFF MY tongue
MORRIS
Feel better?
RALPH
Oh Morris, do you think something you pretend can come true?.
MORRIS
That’s what I’ve always thought and still think, and will never give up thinking. Are you ready now to go on?
RALPH
I’m ready. Let’s go.
(THEY scramble on up the tower)
Scene iii: The Laboratory. GRUELLA and IRRWITZER have been working steadily. They are staring into an enormous transparent punch bowl; it glows a violet color.
IRRWITZER
I think it’s ready now.
(rubbing his hands)
Step two: Magicalization! What does the scroll say?
GRUELLA
(consulting the scroll, reads aloud)
To run the show,
take day-glo flow
iced from the fattest egg;
blow into glass
the furious gas
twice through a hollow leg.
IRRWITZER
I beg your pardon.
GRUELLA
It’s GibberWitch. Not a widespread language, but not difficult if you know the substitutions.
IRRWITZER
Substitutions?
GRUELLA
Yes, for example if it says “jar,” it means “dog,” and if it says “scatter” it means “fight” and if it says “table,” it means “cat.” So “jars scatter tables” means dogs fight cats. Let’s see now… First it calls for … brain jelly, equal to … half the length of… your favorite color. Do you have brain jelly on hand?
IRRWITZER
Of course. It’s standard. Do you know how to measure the length of a color?
(goes to a jar, returns with it
GRUELLA
What do you take me for? You refer to the table in the Wizard’s Book of Weights and Measures. It was in the library you inherited from your mother.
IRRWITZER
(moving to his magic computers, linked up to the hellish computer center. They start running full steam, chirping, squeaking, rattling, flickering and spitting out formulas and diagrams.)
IRRWITZER
I computerized the entire library ages ago. Just a minute while I check out the length of my favorite color.
GRUELLA
Your favorite color? You mean my favorite color.
IRRWITZER
(coldly)
Oh? Why is that?
GRUELLA
Why is that? Because it’s written on my half of the scroll. That’s why is that.
IRRWITZER
(punching in numbers, while computers whirr and spit out papers)
You forget: It’s my laboratory.
GRUELLA
I don’t care. It’s my favorite color!
IRRWITZER
Nonsense. Mine!
GRUELLA AND IRWITZER: MY FAVORITE COLOR
GRUELLA
thanks to my financial skills
you had a super education
you owe your aunt GRUELLA
Sulfur yellow is my favorite color.
IRRWITZER
thanks to greed and folly pills
you caused financial devastation
you owe your CLEVER nephew
Venom purple is my favorite color
(Clock strikes ten)
TOGETHER
Hurrry! hurry! don’t you see
time is passing rapidly
we can’t afford to linger, loiter
dither, dawdle, pause
THE EXECUTION OF INFERNAL LAWS
AT MIDNIGHT SPELLS CATASTROPHE
GRUELLA
IT’S MY CALL: SULFUR YELLOW!
SHARP, EVOCATIVE … PERKY
IRRWITZER
MY EYE! It’S VENOM PURPLE
DARK, MYSTERIOUS … MURKY
(TOGETHER, pointing at each other)
THANKS TO YOUR PIG-HEADEDNESS
we’RE STARING AT extermination
GRUELLA
I’M OLDER – SULFUR YELLOW
IRRWITZER
I’M SMARTER – VENOM PURPLE
(holding up a computer-generated paper)Venom purple measures four inches!
GRUELLA
(reading over his shoulder)
Look! So does sulphur yellow!
BOTH
THERE ISN’T ANY DIFFERENCE
VENOM PURPLE EQUALS SULFUR YELLOW
Hurrry! hurry! TIME WON’T SLOW
NOTHNG STOPS ITS ONWARD flow
we can’t afford to linger, loiter
dither, dawdle, pause
AT MIDNIGHT WE KNOW WHERE WE’RE GONNA GO
IF WE DON’t Join in COMMON CAUSE
IRRWITZER
(puts dropper in jar and squeezes out four inches)
All right, so that’s settled. Four inches of brain jelly. What next?
GRUELLA
(at the scroll, on her hands and knees, reading
in a gradually diminishing voice)
Twirl three corks
on twisted forks
forlorn in morning clocks
flick the pickle
stitching nickel
perpendicularly on socks
take a dive
hurrahing live
in inky pink and purple phlox
break the tusk
of Leo’s cusp
looking neither left nor right
(light fades and scene segues to)
Scene iv: The Belfry. MORRIS, huffing and puffing, climbs onto
the belfry platform with great effort, falls kerplunk, and passes out. After a moment, RALPH, also clearly exhausted, appears over the edge and lands beside him. He looks around and sees MORRIS stretched out beside him. He shakes him roughly.)
RALPH
Morris, Morris, MAURIZIO! Are you all right? Are you alive?
MORRIS
(reviving, rubs his head)
I must have passed out . . . That’s funny: I m not cold anymore. And the wind has stopped blowing.
RALPH
You gave me a bad moment there, Kitty. I thought I’d lost you.
MORRIS
Where are we?
RALPH
In the belfry.
MORRIS
You mean we made it?
RALPH
Uh huh. Look up there! Overhead . . .
MORRIS
The bells! There they are . . . Come on, let’s go ring them. We’ll pull on the ropes.
RALPH
Stop! Don’t. It won’t help.
MORRIS
Why? Why not? It’s why we’re here.
RALPH
It was a bad idea from the getgo. Say we ring them, it would be just any old ding-dong bell. It has to be the first stroke of midnight, remember? Otherwise it’s pointless. And besides, it would alert those two that something was up.
MORRIS
You mean, we’ve come all this way for nothing?
RALPH
I’m afraid so.
(beat)
MORRIS
It’s all over for the world then?
RALPH
Looks like it.
MORRIS
Ralph there’s a bright side. There always is.
RALPH
Oh yes, of course – the bright side.
MORRIS
No, really. Listen, listen to me:
NATURE
Nature is a stubborn girl
she makes it known she’s always right
(and most of the time she is)
but if a cat and BIRD CAN get along
WHen All the odds predict the two must fight
it proves that even Nature’s sometimes in the wrong.
Whoever has HEARD of A creature like me
an insignificant, addlepated cat
a kicked about, knocked about, back alley cat
whoever has hEARD OF a type like that
MAKING friends with a bird
in deed and in word
so clever as you
RALPH
On the contrary:
whoever has heard of A creature like me
an old rheumatic and doom-PREDICTING bird
unpopular, sickly, whose warnings go flat
whoever heard of a type like that
making friends with a cat
with cultural eclat
as brilliant as yours
nature intends us not to be friends
nature intends us for war
If nature had its way
this is what I’d say:
Fatso cat! Parasite!
And you would go:
MORRIS
Muckraking raven scum!
Talk about stupid!
Talk about dumb!
Bird of ill omen, featherwipe
RALPH
And I would go:
Stuckup useless vocal pipe!
I would peck at your wiskers
MORRIS
I’d hiss at your beak
RALPH
and nature would say if she knew how to speak:
BOTH
“all’s well and good
when the fur and feathers fly
till one’s been so clawed
or so pecked he will die”
yes that’s what nature would surely say
mother nature has erred
when Kitty and bird
agree as we do
for
nature intends us not to be friends
but the heart of a bird
and the heart of a cat
beat stronger and faster and truer than that
and prove mother nature has made a mistake
let’s say the world ends
you and I have made friends
[they embrace]
and nature, mother nature, can go jump in the lake
(beat)
MORRIS
Ralph?
RALPH
Yes?
MORRIS
What now?
RALPH
I guess we wait.
(gradually the area fills with a golden mist)
MORRIS
Just wait?. . . I know what. Let’s dream.
RALPH
Dream?
MORRIS
Yes. let’s ring the bells anyhow. I mean let’s pretend. We can’t go down like this. We can at least CELEBRATE defeat!
RALPH
You’re crazy.
MORRIS
I know. but I don’t care. Come on. Say after me!
sing a song of bells
ding dong ding dong
cancel wicked spells
ding dong ding dong
Come on
TOGETHER
(louder and louder)
sing a song of bells
ding dong ding dong
cancel wicked spells
ding dong ding dong
VOICE of ST. SYLVESTER
ENOUGH!
(ST. SYLVESTER steps onto the platform, an animated stone figure. His robe is gold brocade, snow lies on his shoulders; he wears a bishop’s mitre and holds a crosier. He raises his right hand, the effect of which is to paralyze the cat and raven.)
ST. SYLVESTER
So! You plan to steal my music, do you? I can’t say I think much of that. Fun, yes, I wouldn’t be St. Sylvester if I didn’t approve of fun, but not that kind of mischief. Well, what have you two scamps to say for yourselves? I have a good mind to turn you into stone until tomorrow, that would teach you to dream of running interference with my chimes.
(They are silent)
Well? I’m waiting … Oh, yes of course, your tongues are tied …
(He makes another gesture, which releases them.)
RALPH
Are you really a saint, sir?
ST. SYLVESTER
Indeed I am.
MORRIS
With all respect, sir, what kind of saint?
ST.SYLVESTER
Why, the Spirit of the New Year.
RALPH
Then the bells are in your keeping, right?
ST. SYLVESTER
Indeed tney are. And I won’t stand for any interference.
RALPH and MORRIS
(excitedly, both speaking at once)
Oh, sir, you have to help us. We desperately need your help. You see, there’s this wizard and witch, he’s her nephew, she’s his aunt, and they’re in cahoots, and they’re going to brew this Alcodiaboliholic Elixir that’s a magic punch which turns things backward when they make wishes, and they’re going to destroy the world, because they’re trying to save their lives, it doesn’t make much sense, but that’s the way it is, that’s the kind of people they are, they don’t think twice about things, after all, what good is a world if they’re still alive and everyone else is dead, and you see, we need your help to…
ST. SYLVESTER
One at a time, please. There’s no hurry.
RALPH
But there is! There is! You see, it’s like this: There’s a wicked wizard and witch who are going to wreak havoc at midnight if we don’t stop them.
MORRIS
Yes, even now as we speak\
RALPH
\even now as we speak\
BOTH
\they are hard at work in their laboratory . . .
Scene vi: Transition to laboratory with “even as we speak,” continued in the dark as lights come up on GRUELLA and IRRWITZER crouching over the scroll. THEY read out loud together:
HACKAMORDAX MUMMY PAX
ZAPA PAPADOOLA:
RAGAMUFFTI MEGAFAX
PUSTOVA BAZOOLA
Screamsram kicker gobold
Circlekill sickwicket
Frapam chark custogold
liqui dexsen ficket
waswere ster dramolax?
Oopsi marshmagoola
hackamordax mummy pax
zapa papadoola
GRUELLA
So what does it mean?
IRRWITZER
It’s Old Hell Hyperbolic.
GRUELLA
And?
IRRWITZER
These are the instructions for adding the power to grant wishes.
GRUELLA
So?
IRRWITZER
We zap the cauldren from the Fourth Dimension.
GRUELLA
What’s the point of that?
IRRWITZER
The elixir has a Genie. One: We summon him up. Two: We make his will obedient to ours. Three: We seal him in. It’s quite simple.
GRUELLA
But how do we get to the Fourth Dimension?
IRRWITZER
By Injection. Lucifer’s Supersonic Dreamdust
GRUELLA
Oh!… Have you done it before?
IRRWITZER
Oh, I’ve made a few trips. Partly for pleasure, partly for research.
(preparing a syringe)
The dose must be exact though. A fraction too much and you will turn as flat as a paper doll. A fraction too little, and if you come back at all, it may be with an extra leg, or an ear coming out of your neck. Roll up your sleeve, Auntie.
GRUELLA
You don’t frighten me, Witzy boy. The last step is in Witchwelsh, remember? not a language you are acquainted with. I trust you one hundred percent.
IRRWITZER
Hrummph. Only joking, of course.
(He injects her, injects himself.)
It will take effect in a few seconds.
(HE waves his hand and the laboratory turns pitch dark. A Recording: THEIR VOICES, weirdly transformed but recognizably their own, sometimes thin and sometimes sonorous, now come from all over the room, to indicate that she is twirling in air and he is levitating up and down. )
GRUELLA
(from high overhead)
Beelzebubby, where are you?
IRRWITZER
(far right, hovering over scroll)
Over here.
GRUELLA
I can’t stop spinning. Eeeeeeeeee!
IRRWITZER
Spread out your arms.
GRUELLA
(far left, mid level)
I’m dizzy . . . I think I’m going to up –
IRRWITZER
(sound of something swishing across)
No. Don’t! Catch!
GRUELLA
You almost hit me, you klutz! It’s passed. I’m all right now. Oh oh oh – I’m slowing down.
IRRWITZER
Stay away from the elixir!
GRUELLA
I’m… Eeeeeeeee – I’m speeding up again!
IRRWITZER
Ein, Zwei, Drei…ZAP!
(A zigzag flash of light hits the cauldren. A shape emerges
and bobs up and down, weaving and shifting and singing.)
WISHING SONG
GENIE
i am the genie of wishes gone missing
in my cauldron those WISHEs are long laid to rest
when somebody near has turned a deaf ear
to wishes wished for
come knock on my door
I’ll open and say “Be my guest”
SUPPOSE THAT A BOY ONCE WISHED A WISH
TO have a ferret for a pet
TO be the drummer in a band
to stop his dad from fretting about debt
TO VISIT UR or samarkand
AND none of THESE wishes ever came true
where are they now
DROWNED IN THE DEPTHS of MY MAGIC BREW
wishes wishes
forlorn, forgone, unborn wishes
sunk to the bottom of my my magic brew
sUpPOSE A GIRL ONCE WISHED A WISH
for curly hair instead of straight
TO wow them on the tennis court
or grow up quickly, cutting short the wait,
FOr mom to lose her worry wArt
AND none of THESE wishes ever came true
where are they now
DROWNED IN THE DEPTHS OF my magic
wishes wishes
forgone, unborn wishes
sunk to the bottom of my magic brew
IRRWITZER
Ein, zwei, drei…ZAP!
(ditto:flash of light)
GENIE
TURNING my wishes
FROM LOST TO FULFILLED
FALLS TO THE POWER
OF THOSE WHO ARE SKILLED
IN SPELLS THAT ARE POTENT
TO DO WHAT THEY’VE WILLED
IRRWITZER
Ein, zwei, drei .. ZAP!
(ditto:flash of light)
GENIE
whatever the size of the wish
to live again a happy day
observe THE EARTHBALL FROM the moon
to make the fear of spiders go away
or safely sail a ship through a typhoon
wishes wishes
though small or tall, any at all wishes
come fish them out from my magic brew
(There is a brilliant flare of light from the cauldron and the figure disappears. The laboratory lights flash back on. GRUELLA and Irrwitzer, lie exhausted on the floor, propped against furniture.)
GRUELLA
Why is sorcery so demanding?
IRRWITZER
Out of shape, are you?
GRUELLA
You don’t look so spry yourself… All right. The wishing power has been added. Now what?
IRRWITZER
The last step: we add the reversing power. Just think!Are there going to be some surprises (pointing to the floor) down there! And there’d better be some rewards!
GRUELLA
I will be crowned queen of witches.
IRRWITZER
My powers will be enlarged. I’ll go after the Elementals for keeps. It’s not enough to bottle them.
GRUELLA
I’ll be a money witch role model. I’ll have my portrait painted.
IRRWITZER
I will attend conferences, summits, consort with heads of – join the Bilderbergers!
GRUELLA
I’ll get fan letters from all the world’s witches. I’ll need a secretary!
IRRWITZER
(energised as the clock strikes eleven)
Brimstone and Blazes! Eleven already. To work! to work! There’s no time to lose.
(scene segues to)
Scene vii: The belfry. MORRIS and RALPH with ST. SYLVESTER
RALPH
So you see, there’s no time to lose!
SYLVESTER
But what can be done?
RALPH
If Monsignore might be so good as take it on himself personally to ring the midnight bells in advance …
SYLVESTER
I can’t do that. Everything in the world has its laws, including the end of the old year and the beginning of the new. . . .
RALPH
Of course. Laws must be obeyed, even if the world goes to hell in a hand basket.
MORRIS
Oh, sir! You can’t let those evil creatures get the better of us! If you help us, the world will be eternally in your debt!
SYLVESTER
(distantly; his attention easily wonders off to worlds unseen: when this happens there is an uncanny music, in contrast to the down to earth song of the RALPH and MORRIS)
Ah yes, eternity . . .From the standpoint of eternity, things are very different. From the standpoint of eternity, evil will always be seen to serve the good….
RALPH
(whispering)
Morris, stuff it with “eternally” and “ evil.” Words like that make him wonder off into metaphysics.
MORRIS
What are metaphysics?
RALPH
Unseen worlds. We’ve got to get him back. Help me. (tugging at his cloak) He can’t feel it, he’s made out of stone. He heard us before, if we’re loud enough he’ll hear us again. Come on,
RALPH and MORRIS: WE KNOW YOU KNOW HOW
Don’t wonder away where we cannot follow
look at us
look at us
pay attention to the here and now
you must help us, please, help us
we know you know how
Our speeech is not yours, but still we entreat you
listen up
listen up
RALPH
to my cawing
MORRIS
my meow meow meow
TOGETHER
plainly we’re saying: Please help us!
or else we’ll GET flattened: bam! pow!
suppose you do nothing
the nephew and auntie
may blow even you
and your tower skyhigh
believe ME, this isn’t a lie
you’re off in the clouds, but danger is present
think of us
think of us
we stand before you in the here and now
oh, help us, please, help us
lest the planet go crying out OW!
SYLVESTER
Eternity. . . eternity
MORRIS
Ralph, what are we going to do? He doesn’t hear us!
RALPH
I knew it! I knew it all along! It’s hopeless.
MORRIS
There you go again.
RALPH
Well, you think of something. I bet you can. I bet you’re a lot smarter than you think you are.
MORRIS
You do? You really think that?
RALPH
I really think that. Put on your Thinking Cap.
(MORRIS mimes putting it on. Beat)
MORRIS
You know what, he came to life when were talking about the bells. What if we pretend we want to ring them again?
(loudly)
Let’s climb the belfry and get to the bells.
RALPH
Right on. LET’S RING THE BELLS, LET’S RING THE BELLS!
TOGETHER
BELLS! BELLS! BELLS!
ST. SYLVESTER
(returning)
What? What’s this about the bells?
RALPH
(nudging MORRIS)
We were just wondering if you were really a saint.
MORRIS
Yes, a real saint helps. A real saint doesn’t blow off prayers.
TOGETHER
we don’t know much about saints IT is TRUE
But we know that a saint intercedes
and what kind of saint can it possibly be
who refuses to do saintly deeds
and help us, yes, help us
when we know he knows how
SYLVESTER
What’s that my young friends… what are you saying?
TOGETHER
this much is known about saints It is true
if the wizard and witch have their way
the world as we know it will come to such harm
all sainthoods will soon be passe
RALPH
Remember St. Francis?
MORRIS
Yes, remember St. Francis!
THere was a saint to take for a teacher
A saint known to be on brotherly terms
with the lowest of every low creature
MORRIS
not only cats, like me
RALPH
OR RAVENS, LIKE ME
but with spiders and toads
MORRIS
and even earthworms
WHEN ST. FRANCIS HAPPENED TO PASS BY
the wolf emerged from his lair
and the fox crept out of his den
merely to wish the good man good day
and the birds flew down from uppermost air
to perch on his shoulders and sing: Amen:
when Francis knelt down to pray
he’d help us, he’d tell us
“I’ll foil their plan
or my name isn’t fran!”
what good is a saint who doesn’t reply
when he is implored to right a great wrong
his canonization must be a mistake
he’s crept in where he doesn’t belong
the only real job of any real saint
is listening to prayers of intercession
so if not for the sake
of us here and now
for the sake of your saintly profession
help us, sir, help us
with your saintly know-how
SYLVESTER
Ahhhhhhhhhhh. . . yes, it’s a long time since anyone asked . . . I thought they’d forgotten all about me. Well, my young friends, what would you have me do?
RALPH
The planet, sir! We have to save it!
SYLVESTER
But what? What’s to be done?
RALPH
Make midnight come just a tad early!
MORRIS
That’s Ralph’s idea. Can’t you do it, monsignor?
RALPH
The chimes are your department, aren’t they?
ST. SYLVESTER
Well, yess-s-s- perhaps . . .
I CAN spare a note from my medley of chimes
(ONE NOTE FROM SO MANY’S NOT MISSED)
TO PUSH UP THE HOUR AND CANCEL THE POWER
that reverses the wishes they’ve wished
SO BAD ONES won’t happen
AND GOOD ONES COME TRUE
AND MAKE THE –
the … the … What did you say it was called?
MORRIS
The Alcodiaboliholic Wish Elixir, sir.
SYLVESTER
Ah yes. The alcobolido – alcoholidol –
MAKE THE hellish mix delish!
I’m sure it’s just what saint francis would do
MORRIS and RALPH
INDEED,it’s just what saint francis would do
RALPH
Are you sure one note is enough? Maybe two or three?
SYLVESTER
Certainly not. One is already more than I can comfortably afford because the order of the world …
RALPH
Of course. The order of the world.
MORRIS
(waving him off)
Ralph, be quiet. You’ll set him off again.
SYLVESTER
(HE leans up and strokes the side of the curved bell, and withdraws his hand to hold a glittering cube of ice between thumb and forefinger and hand it to RALPH)
Take this note back with you and drop it into the elixir. It’s a midnight chime; it will ring the hour silently before the bells ring out together. And be careful. It can’t be replaced.
MORRIS
(deeply bowing)
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Monsignore. We will be eternally grate-
(claps his hand over his mouth, remembering)
SYLVESTER
(wondering off again)
In Eternity, we live beyond space and time. In eternity there is no before and after, in eternity…
MORRIS
Oh, dear. He’s gone all spacey again. What IS he saying?
RALPH
Search me. We’ll have to trust him. Look! The note is inside this cube.
MORRIS
Wait! Wait! Monsignore, before you go, how are we going to get back?
RALPH
Louder.
TOGETHER
Monsignore, please …
SYLVESTER
(with a blissful smile, returning from far away)
What did you say, little friend?
TOGETHER
we must return to the world below
But the drop is impossibly long
RALPH
My wings are so crippled I barely can fly
MORRIS
and my hind legs are NOT FEELING strong
together
so help us please help us
we know you know how
SYLVESTER
If you hold on to each other, the note will fly you wherever you want to go. Now, you must excuse me. It’s been a pleasure to meet two such brave and upright creatures. You can be proud of what you’ve done.
(Music. He turns back into stone.)
Scene viii. The laboratory. The wizard and witch are staring into the cauldron.
I IRRWITZER
It’s done! Once the sediment has settled we can start wishing.
GRUELLA
No. You’re forgetting: The seasoning.
IRRWITZER
What?
GRUELLA
We have to add the seasoning. The last instruction. In WitchWelsh. Remember……… dear?
IRRWITZER
Oh yes. Of course. What does it say?
GRUELLA
It says….
(moving to the scroll, she reads haltingly, translating as she goes):
WHEN IS THE ELIXIR READY?
WHEN A WITCH’S SPIT
AND A WIZARD’S WINK
HAVE SEASONED THE BREW YOU CAN START TO DRINK.
IRRWITZER
Are you sure it doesn’t say a witch’s wink and a wizard’s spit?
GRUELLA
(grinning)
Sorry, Witzy boy, that’s what it says: I get to spit and you get to swallow.
(They go to the punch bowl and stare over the rim into the liquid. Gruella spits in it, Irrwitzer winks. Nothing happens.)
GRUELLA
I don’t understand.
IRRWITZER
You misread it! You’ve ruined everything!
GRUELLA
I did not. I know my WitchWelsh! It was my first foreign language. It’s your fualt. You’ve messed up! You two-bit wizard.
IRRWITZER
Superannuated witch!
(There is a sudden explosion, a huge flare up of color and shadows dance on the wall. Of the many changes, from color to color, etc. this one is the most impressive. It settles down as before. Silence.)
GRUELLA
We did it!
IRRWITZER
We did it!
GRUELLA
We’ll be famous!
IRRWITZER
We’ll be great!
GRUELLA
Think of the rewards!
IRRWITZER
Re-negotiation!
GRUELLA
Ironclad contracts!
IRRWITZER
Revenge!
GRUELLA
Our Enemy is our footstool!
(GRUELLA produces the paper hats and horns she brought earlier. They laugh together uproariously and do a little jig)
Reprise: YOU BETTER BELIEVE (reprise)
GRUELLA
A GREAT BIG CHANGE
IS ON ITS WAY
A GREAT BIG CHANGE
IRRWITZER
ON NEW YEAR’S DAY!
the windows drawers and doors
will open of themselves
the picture frames will shake
the plates fall off the shelves
SUCH SIGNS WILL TELL THE TALE
OF TROUBLED TIMES TO COME
BUT NO ALERTS WILL WAKE
A PEOPLE DEAF AND DUMB
IRRWITZER
THE FATE OF THE WORLD
IS IN OUR HANDS
UNBOUNDED POWERS
ARE OURS ARE OURS
WE’LL WORK SUCH WOE
AS HASN’T BEEN SEEN
AS HASN’T BEEN SEEN
GRUELLA
SINCE WHEN?
IRRWITZER
WE KNOW
SINCE THE TIME OF ADAM AND EVE
BOTH
YOU BETTER BELIEVE
YOU BETTER BELIEVE
SINCE THE TIME OF EDEN
AND ADAM AND EVE
THE CHANGES WE’LL MAKE
ARE SIMPLY COLLOSSAL
]
GRUELLA
(coloratura trill)
COL -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- SAL
THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
WILL SOON BE A FOSSIL
GRUELLA
(coloratura trill)
A FOOOOOOOO-OOOO- SSILE
WE’LL WORK SUCH WOE
AS HASN’T BEEN SEEN
AS HASN’T BEEN SEEN
SINCE THE TIME OF EDEN
AND ADAM AND EVE
YOU BETTER BELIEVE
YOU BETTER BELIEVE
SINCE THE TIME OF EDEN
AND ADAM AND EVE
BOTH
It’s party time, HURRAH
LOOK Lively step smart
TR LA TRA LA TRA LA
the fun’s about to START.
(Singing this song, THEY put on their hats and toot their horns, then after settle down)
IRRWITZER
Now for our witnesses. Where are they?
GRUELLA
Yes, where are they? Why don’t you go get them?
IRRWITZER
Why don’t you come with me?
GRUELLA
It’s your house.
IRRWITZER
It’s your raven.
GRUELLA
It’s your cat.
(THEY stare at each other, locking eyes. Each wants to be alone to make the first wish. MORRIS and RALPH peer through the window. The clock strikes. The spell is broken.)
TOGETHER (overlapping)
This is stupid.\We’re wasting time! Let’s go.
(They leave. MORRIS and RALPH slip in the door and go straight to the punch bowl.)
RALPH
Holy Moses. It looks like it’s alive.
MORRIS
Quick! Drop it in. They’ll be back any minute.
RALPH
(takes the cube out of his pocket holds it over the brew)
Cross your paws.
MORRIS
Let go, will you? Let go!
(RALPH drops the note in. There is a shivery sound. After a pause)
RALPH
It looks no different.
MORRIS
We have to have faith.
VOICE OF IRRWITZER
It’s very odd. They should be in Maurizio’s room.
RALPH
Listen!
VOICE OF GRUELLA
Well, they have to be here somewhere … Yoo-hoo, Ralphie… Where are you are?
VOICE OF IRRWITZER
Maurizio… Here, kitty, kitty. Come to your master, that’s a good kitty!
RALPH
It’s them. C’mon. Let’s hide!
(Morris makes for barrel.)
Noooooooooo! Not there!
(grabs him and drags him behind a screen).
IRRWITZER
(as he enters)
I don’t understand it. Maurizio was under strict orders.
(MORRIS sneezes)
IRRWITZER
What’s that? Who’s there? Come out this minute!
MORRIS
Master, is that you? It is I, Mor…. Maurizio.
RALPH
(coming out behind MORRIS)
Mistress mine, you’ve arrived. Thank heavens. Will you please tell this cat to let me go!
MORRIS
I have been guarding this bird of ill omen, just as you said, dear master.
IRRWITZER
I just went to fetch you. Where were you?
MORRIS
In my room. For hours and hours.
IRRWITZER
No you weren’t.
MORRIS
I – I got tired of waiting, so I brought him back here. Just now.
IRRWITZER
Why didn’t I pass you in the corridor?
MORRIS
(has a coughing fit)
I… I… I…
RALPH
Because I made a dash for it, natch. You can’t think it’s much fun for a bird to be the prisoner of a cat. When I flew out the window he pounced on me and dragged me back. My wing still hurts.
MORRIS
Yes, I’ve caught a dreadful cold.
RALPH
We must have been outside when you were looking for us.
(to GRUELLA)
You might tell him I come as a friend. You might tell him I’m not dangerous.
GRUELLA
Well, you’re not supposed to be here anyhow. Did I ever tell you to run ahead and announce me?
RALPH
I was only trying to be helpful.
GRUELLA
Ah, well, yes. But you should ask me first. Irrwitzer, this is my little helper, Ralph. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like a prisoner. You can call off your cat.
IRRWITZER
Ralph is a friend, Morris. We must treat him like a friend.
GRUELLA
And you’ve arrived in the nick of time, anyhow.
IRRWITZER
WE’ve been slaving away
while you were gone
and now at last –
GRUELLA JOINS
hurrah! HURRAh!
(to RALPH and MORRIS, as she conducts:)
Sing with us!
(They join in half-heartedly)
hurrah! hurrah!
irrwitzer & GRUELLA
the party is on
yes, it’s party time
(beckoning the others, again, to join in, as they do faintly on the hurrahs)
hurrah! hurrah!
look lively step smart
tra la tra la tra la
the fun’s about to start
(She goes and finds a ladle and two glasses. Each takes a glass. They draw stools up to opposite sides of the punch bowl and sit)
IRRWITZER
And guess what! you, dear creatures, not only shall witness the wonders in store, you shall be the very first to benefit from them.
(HE ladles punch into his glass and gulps it down)
NECTARS OF NECTARS, GREAT IS YOUR POWER
GRANT ME THIS WISH, ‘ERE THE STROKE OF THE HOUR
let THE OPERA WORLD REJOICe
TO hear MAURIZIO IN VOICE
MORRIS
(aside)
Oh, my whiskers! What if it doesn’t work? I’ll turn into some mangy cat yowling in back alleys.
RALPH
Odds are you’re right. I bet one note wasn’t enough. I bet it takes three. I should have been firmer! I should have insisted! Oh oh oh… Why am I so stupid!
GRUELLA
(after downing her glass and sneezing and choking on its potency)
And Ralph, dear, you’ve been such a help to me, I want to reward you, too, as you so richly deserve.
RALPH
(shrinking as before a blow)
No, please. I’m happy the way I am. I don’t need a reward.
IRRWITZER
(giggling with GRUELLA)
You lucky devils! Just wait until you realize what these wishes mean!
GRUELLA
You will never tire of thanking us!
NECTAR OF NECTARS, GREAT IS YOUR POWER
GRANT ME THIS WISH,’ERE THE STROKE OF THE HOUR
Ralph, receive as he deserves
cheerful thoughts and steady nerves
(in a whisper)
Oh, Morris, I’m a goner for sure! Sick and depressive ever after!
IRRWITZER
And now, let us turn to the condition of the world! Whoever is ready first, begins. One, two three…
(He jumps in. They continue, competing for turns, each complementing the other’s couplet, until they try to beat each other out and begin fighting; the wishes can be intoned in a chant against a musical background, or sung. IRRWITZER’S theme is the environment; GRUELLA’S is money. As they drink more and more and faster and faster they become thoroughly drunk. They stumble on the rhymes, burp, hiccup, and slur their words.)
IRRWITZER
BLIGHTED TREES and GRASSLANDS heal
GRUELLA
My turn! My turn!
FATCATS STARVE AT EVERY MEAL
IRRWITZER
save THE species under threat
GRUELLA
creditors forgive bad debt
RALPH
(aside to Morris)
You know what, Morris? I’ve changed my mind: They are going to get exactly what they wish for. And serves them right, the wicked old windbags.
MORRIS
Whatdoyou know, my hind leg has stopped hurting. Come on, let’s get out of here. They’re too busy to notice us now.
(They tiptoe out)
IRRWITZER
smoke pollution disappear
GRUELLA
mortgaged land be free and clear
IRRWITZER
FRACKING ENTERPRISES FAIL
GRUELLA
crooked bankers go to jail
GRUELLA
WORKERS earn a decent wage
IRRWITZER
global warming turn the page
SILENCE GUNS, defuse mines
GRUELLA
Punish profiteers with fines
PRIZE THE NURT’RING HEART LIKE GOLD
IRRWITZER
GRow grEEN roofs a thousandfold
Gruella
MONEY madness FIND A CURE
IRRWITZER
nucl’ear PLANTS BE MADE secure
(both are very drunk by now, slowing down and articulating with difficulty)
gruella
PROFITS plummet dug from earth
IRRWITZER
Hey, ha – hang in there thas’s my de-part-ment. Thas’s the en-vi-ron-ment. You shtick ta your buzzinesh and I’ll shtick to mine. etc. etc. in the followng.
GRUELLA
Wrong . . . wrong, a hundred pershent. Tha reason they attack earth is greed. Greed greed greed for money money money, tha’s my shpehiality! Come to think of it, it boils down to money. I should never have let you make any wishes at all.
IRRWITZER
Oh? Is that so? Well, you peshtilential hag –
GRUELLA
Watch what you’re doing boy-o. You almost made me drop my glass.
IRRWITZER
Serve you right if I did, you two-bit witch!
GRUELLA
What! who do you think you are, you upstart brat. You better watch it, or I’ll wish you –
IRRWITZER
Yeah, go right ahead, I wish you –
(together, they dip in the remaining punch and gulp down glasses and wish, pointing at each other)
young and beautiful and good
(They fall backward behind the cauldren. Lights dim and
come up downstage front, where MORRIS and RALPH
are revealed, fully transformed)
RALPH
Look at you! Aunt Mia wouldn’t recognize you. The very picture of Maurizio di Mauro.
MORRIS
And you! Glossy wings – shining eyes…
RALPH
Ramona …
MORRIS
– will love you!
RALPH
Will love me.
MORRIS
A happy thought!
RALPH
A happy thought!… Good gracious, that’s right!
MORRIS
You see? You pretended and it came true.
(beat)
TOGETHER
And us?
(beat)
MORRIS
Friends no more. . .
RALPH
As St.Sylvester would say it’s the order of the world…
MORRIS
I will remember you as the finest creature I have ever met.
RALPH
For me, you will always be a prince among cats.
(Lights up on the laboratory, GRUELLA and IRRWTIZER crawl out of the shadows as two charming attractive teenagers, still rather drunk.)
IRRWITZER
Is that you, Gru? Is that really you?
GRUELLA
Witzy, you’re so handsome!
IRRWITZER
I don’t undertand. How – Oh, my goodness! You know what it means!
GRUELLA
Our wishes came true. The reversing power . . .
IRRWITZER
The reversing power . . .
TOGETHER
Didn’t work!
GRUELLA
Thank heavens!
IRRWITZER
Praise God! Gru, forgive me if I ever said a word against you. You don’t deserve it.
GRUELLA
What a fine young man you are! How could I have been so blind!
IRRWITZER
Do you smell something . . . disgusting?
(beat)
GRUELLA
Oh, my golly! Our contracts –
IRRWITZER
Our quotas –
GRUELLA
Not fulfilled!
IRRWITZER
The penalty!
GRUELLA
Wait. Quick. There’s just enough left –
(They dip together)
NECTARS OF NECTARS, GREAT IS YOUR POWER
GRANT ME THIS WISH, ‘ERE THE STROKE OF THE HOUR
GRUELLA
void the contracts due tonight
IRRWITZER
MAGGOT SELF-DESTRUCT FROM SPITE
(Midnight strikes. The bells erupt in a sweet and joyful clangor. As it fades, MAGGOT is revealed in the room.)
IRRWITZER
Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?
GRUELLA
Are you looking for someone?
MAGGOT
Yes. (takes out briefcase, consulting contracts) A wizard and witch, respectively Irwitzer and his aunt, Gruella (reading)… “having failed to meet their contractual obligations, are condemned to –
GRUELLA
Oh, dear. You must have the wrong address. There’s no one here like that.
MAGGOT
On the contrary.
MAGGOT, IRRWITZER, GRUELLA, MORRIS, RALPH: GOING PLACES
You don’t fool me
I know who you are
hiding behind new-made faces
Come along with me now
like it or not, you’re going places
(he advances, but cannot pass through an invisible barrier)
IRRWITZER & GRUELLA
You’re out of luck
those two have cleared out
poof! vamoosed! leaving no traces!
we are safe from you here
safe from thAT “place” you threaten us with
in the midst of your desert
we’re in an oasis
(still trying to get through)
You can’t do this to me,
You can’t –
I’ll get you you’ll see
just wait and I’ll –
help! what’s happening to me?
there’s a churning and A turning
in my stomach’s pit
I’ve a funny sensation
my skin doesn’t fit
hell and damnation
come to my aid –
I can’t see my hands
I’m starting to fade
I’m GOING I’M —-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(he self-destructs in a puff of smoke)
GRUELLA AND IRRWITZER
GOING PLACES
he’s HISTORY
we can’t sympathise
Painful for him as the case is
we are quit of him now
some things there are that mem’ry erases
MAURIZIO and RALph
(from opposite sides of the stage)
YOUR HEART, say, WEIGHS LIKE LEAD
and then
YOU SAY LIFE’S NOt FAIR
i’m giving up –
STOP! YOU MUStn’t despair!
UP AHEAD AROUND THE CORNER
THERE’S ANOTHER VIEW
OPEN VISTAS, far horizons
are beckoning you
IRRWITZER
I can’t let go magic
GRUELLA
It’s hold is too tight
TOGETHER
There’s just one solution
make black magic white
we’ll keep up the practice
ENLIST every skill
to bring about good
IRRWITZER
wizard
GRUELLA
and witch
TOGEtHER
are in business still
RALPH
Ramona my love
the button’s re-set
MORRIS
La Scala, milan
the fenici, the met
what’s gone is gone
pack up and move on
nothing is ever in stasis
good bye and good luck
we’re on our way, we’re going places
ANIMAL CUTOUTS
(pop up and sing)
it’s just a story, it’s all make-believe
raven and cat,
wizard and witch
are made up of words
just empty words and phrases
but we are for real!
we live and we feel
remember us!
REMEMBER HOW DIRE OUR CASe is
and how sacred the earth as a place is!
CURTAIN
*Adapted from Michael Ende’s
Der Satnarcholugenialkohollische Wunschpunsch