AT RISE: A Hotel Room
TOM
Are you almost through in there?
SALLY
Just a minute. I have to finish putting my face on.
TOM
I hate that expression. I wish you’d stop using it.
SALLY
Sorry. What should I say?
TOM
I don’t know. But something else.
SALLY
How about breaking it up into segments. I’ve just finished with the left eyebrow. Now I’m moving to the right. I’ll let you know when I get to the mascara.
TOM
C’mon, honey. Please me in a little thing.
SALLY
OK. Big or little. Try me again.
TOM
Are you almost through in there?
SALLY
Just a second. I’m trying a new lipstick.
TOM
I like the old one.
SALLY
You’ll like this one too.
(Enter GRACE)
GRACE
Hi! Am I on time?
TOM
We’re running behind.
GRACE
Where’s Sally?
TOM
In the bathroom. She’s only reached her eyebrows.
GRACE
What?
TOM
Nothing. She’ll be ready in a minute.
(SHE sits on bed, picks up book)
GRACE
Gosh! Are you reading this?
TOM
I just started it.
GRACE
It’s awfully long.
TOM
I know.
GRACE
I didn’t know you were interested in literature.
TOM
I’m not.
GRACE
Then why are you reading it?
TOM
For penance.
GRACE
What?
TOM
Instead of twenty Hail Mary’s or whatever. I punish myself creatively.
GRACE
Oh. Do you do it often?
TOM
As often as it’s called for.
GRACE
What was your offense? If it’s not prying.
TOM
An unnecessary lie.
GRACE
Are there necessary lies?
TOM
The Jesuits would say so.
GRACE
For example?
TOM
I told my wife I was at the movies when I took her sister to bed.
GRACE
That’s not a lie. It’s a cover up.
TOM
Cover ups are lies. So are fabrications, fibs, exaggerations, distortions, omissions, implications –
GRACE
Stop. I’ve got George Washington in the room.
SALLY
(from the bathroom)
Grace, is that you? I’ll be out in a minute
TOM
(checking watch)
We’ve got about fifteen minutes before the cab is here.
GRACE
(in a low voice)
Do you really want to take me to bed?
TOM
Yes.
GRACE
Are you going to?
TOM
No.
GRACE
Are you lying?
TOM
Ahhhhh…. Here, give me back War and Peace.
(a bookmark falls out)
GRACE
Oh, dear. I’ve lost your place.
TOM
Sally’s.
GRACE
Sally’s?
TOM
Sally’s place.
GRACE
Oh….. So that was …
TOGETHER
…. the unnecessary lie.
(Enter Sally.)
OK. I’m ready.
GRACE
You look different. What’s new?
SALLY
Nothing that I know of.
TOM
A new shade of lipstick.
SALLY
Oh, that. Yes…
TOM
I liked the old one.
SALLY
Never change. That’s you, Tom. Conservative to the core.
GRACE
I think it suits you. What’s it called?
SALLY
“Sunset Red.”
TOM
Gosh. That sounds so definitive.
SALLY
I thought it might brighten me up.
TOM
You’re fine the way you are.
SALLY
Well, it’s fun to experiment now and then.
TOM
I’ll stick with the status quo.
SALLY
You’ll get used to it. And if you don’t, I’ll go back to Ultra Rose.
TOM
C’mon, let’s get going.
SALLY
Grace!
GRACE
You frightened me. What?
SALLY
Your shoes?
GRACE
My shoes? What about them?
SALLY
Are you wearing your contacts?
GRACE
No. Why?
SALLY
They’re mismatched.
GRACE
What?
(SHE looks down)
Oh my God. You’re right. One’s blue and one’s brown.
TOM
No one will notice. C’mon, let’s go.
GRACE
No. I’d better go change them. It will just take a second.
(at the door)
I’ll be right back.
(SHE leaves.)
TOM
Why did you have to notice?
SALLY
It’s a difference of five-ten minutes. Don’t be so impatient.
TOM
(sits down, crosses his legs)
All right. Read to me.
SALLY
What? (going to drawer) The Bible?
TOM
(tosses her the book) Here.
SALLY
War and Peace?
TOM
Uh huh. Pick a part. Any part.
SALLY
How about where Prince Andrew at the ball says to himself: If Natasha looks my way and smiles, I will marry her.
TOM
No. The part where Natasha gets seduced by that scoundrel, what’s his name.
SALLY
Kuragin, Anatole Kuragin. Did you ever have anything like that happen to you?
TOM
Almost ruin an innocent young girl?
SALLY
In this day and age, I don’t think it can be done.
TOM
Oh, I don’t know. Say I knocked up a girl, and overruled her having it, and as a consequence of a botched operation, she couldn’t conceive. Wouldn’t that count?
SALLY
Yes, but I meant socially. What did we read in school? Tess of the d’Urbervilles, The Scarlet Letter, Emma Bovary, Anna Karenina … even poor Blanche….
TOM
They were warning you.
SALLY
Who? The husbands?
TOM
The adults.
SALLY
Not one friend of mine was a virgin bride.
TOM
Oh?
SALLY
Anyhow, this is getting sidetracked. I meant the if\then bit.
TOM
If\then?
SALLY
You know. If a hummingbird flies past the window in the next five minutes, then I’ll quit smoking.
TOM
Oh, I get it. If Grace sneezes when she walks through the door, then I’ll – I don’t know. What shall I do?
SALLY
Cook dinner for a fortnight.
TOM
No. I want to make it something more important. After all, Prince Andrei staked marriage on it.
SALLY
How about a second honeymoon. If Grace sneezes when she walks through the door, you take me to Venice.
TOM
(trying it out) If Grace sneezes when she walks through the door I’ll take Sally to Venice. … no, it doesn’t feel right. Shouldn’t it be something involving her? Something like: If Grace sneezes when she walks through the door, I’ll take her to Venice. Isn’t that more in the Prince Andrei vein?
SALLY
You’re kidding.
TOM
I’m kidding.
SALLY
All right. How about this: win-win for all of us: If Sally sneezes when she walks through the door, we’ll all go to Venice, George too.
TOM
George never has any time. He couldn’t even spare the time to come today.
SALLY
Well Aunt Ellen wasn’t his relative. She was ours. Grace’s and mine.
TOM
Still, it’s a family thing. It’s only fitting. Besides, George is a bore. I don’t know how Grace stands being married to him.
SALLY
What do you have against George? He’s a decent, admirable man.
TOM
I didn’t say he wasn’t decent or admirable. I said he was a bore.
SALLY
I don’t think Grace thinks so.
TOM
Oh?
SALLY
She’s very happy with him.
TOM
Who told you? A little bird?
SALLY
She’s told me herself.
TOM
Maybe she’s lying.
SALLY
Grace never lies.
TOM
Everybody lies.
SALLY
Anyhow, she’s having a baby. So she’d better be happy with him.
TOM
What? I thought she…
SALLY
I wasn’t suppose to tell you. She wanted to keep it a secret, until she was absolutely sure, but she pretty much is now, and –
TOM
My God! What news! What colossal good news! George must be beside himself. He thought –
SALLY
I know. They both did.
TOM
We should celebrate. We should all celebrate. Go to Venice or something!
(Enter GRACE, with matching shoes)
GRACE
Ah… ah…. ah…
(THEY look at her expectantly. She opens her mouth,
on the verge of sneezing, but swallows it.)
George called and …-
TOM
Oh, hell!
SALLY
Oh, hell!
GRACE
Come again?
SALLY
We thought you were going to sneeze.
GRACE
Well, actually I was. But I managed not to. Why should that –
SALLY
Does that count?
TOM
No.
GRACE
What am I missing?
SALLY
Nothing. We had a bet.
TOM
Silly bet. It doesn’t matter. What did George say?
GRACE
Well, first of all, he apologized for not making it. He said he knows it’s our family, but he felt like he really should have been here, anyhow, for moral support, to add weight and pith –
TOM
Pith? He actually said “pith:?
GRACE
No. I did – to our faction of this internecine family.
TOM
Considerate. But no cigar.
GRACE
But he’ll make it up. He thinks we all ought to take a spring break and go to Venice for a fortnight. On him.
(beat)
TOM
That’s very handsome.
GRACE
Count me in.
TOM
Well, let’s get going, ladies. The cab is waiting.
GRACE
(to SALLY)
Don’t forget your book.
SALLY
My book?
GRACE
Here: War and Peace…
SALLY
Oh. That’s not mine. It’s Tom’s.
(SHE tosses it to him; HE looks at GRACE and winks. THEY leave)