ACT I
At rise: A bachelor’s room.
PODKOLYOSIN lying on the
couch smoking a pipe.
PODKOLYOSIN
If you think about it long enough, marriage begins to make sense. And why shouldn’t it? Things can’t go on the way they are forever. Change is good for you. Imagine, Easter’s almost here and things have been dragging on with the matchmaker for three months. Yes, it really does seem shameful somehow. You there, Stepan!
(Enter STEPAN)
Has the matchmaker come?
STEPAN
Not a sign of her.
PODKOLYOSIN
And did you see the tailor?
STEPAN
Yes.
PODKOLYOSIN
Well? Is he working on my frockcoat?
STEPAN
Yes.
PODKOLYOSIN
And is it almost ready?
STEPAN
Almost. He’s putting in the buttonholes.
PODKOLYOSIN
What did you say?
STEPAN
I said he’s putting in the buttonholes.
PODKOLYOSIN
But didn’t he ask you why your master needed a brand new frockcoat?
STEPAN
No, he didn’t.
PODKOLYOSIN
Come now. He must have said that your master was going to get married.
STEPAN
No, he didn’t say anything.
PODKOLYOSIN
But weren’t there other frockcoats in his shop? I can’t be his only customer.
STEPAN
Yes, there were other frockcoats.
PODKOLYOSIN
And didn’t you notice that those frockcoats were different from mine? That the cloth wasn’t as good as mine?
STEPAN
That’s true. The cloth wasn’t as good as yours.
PODKOLYOSIN
What did you say?
STEPAN
I said the cloth wasn’t as good as yours.
PODKOLYOSIN
I see. Now surely the tailor must have asked why this difference. Didn’t he ask that?
STEPAN
No.
PODKOLYOSIN
You’re absolutely certain he didn’t say your master must be getting married?
STEPAN
No. He didn’t say that.
PODKOLYOSIN
But didn’t you tell him who I am and where I work?
STEPAN
Yes, I did.
PODKOLYOSIN
What did he say then?
STEPAN
He said, “I’ll do my best.”
PODKOLYOSIN
All right. You can go.
(Exit STEPAN)
I’ve always been of the opinion that black is the best color for a frockcoat. It’s more serious. Leave the lighter hues to secretaries and clerks and the hoipolloi who don’t know any better. When one’s rank is slightly more imposing one has to observe the … What is it one has to observe? Something. I forget the word. Dammit, and it’s a good word. No, there’s no getting around it: A court councillor in the civil service is as good as a lieutenant in the army any day. The only difference is that he doesn’t don’t wear epaulettes. You there, Stepan!
(Enter STEPAN)
Did you remember to buy the shoe polish?
STEPAN
I bought it.
PODKOLYOSIN
But where did you buy it? In the shop on Voznesensky Street where I told you to?
STEPAN
Yes, sir. That’s where.
PODKOLYOSIN
Well… Is it good shoe polish?
STEPAN
Yes.
PODKOLYOSIN
Did you shine my shoes with it?
STEPAN
Yes.
PODKOLYOSIN
And? Did it make them shine?
STEPAN
If you shine them, they’ll shine.
PODKOLYOSIN
But when you bought the polish didn’t anybody ask you why your master needed it?
STEPAN
No.
PODKOLYOSIN
Somebody must have remarked that your master was getting married.
STEPAN
No. Nobody said anything.
PODKOLYOSIN
All right. You can go.
(Exit STEPAN)
One might think shoes were a small matter, but in a gathering of well-bred people it is not going to go unnoticed if one’s shoes are scuffed or don’t fit properly. It creates the wrong impression somehow… But worst of all are corns. I’ll put up with anything as long as it isn’t corns. You there, Stepan!
(Enter STEPAN)
STEPAN
You called, sir?
PODKOLYOSIN
Did you tell the bootmaker not to make my boots too tight?
STEPAN
Yes.
PODKOLYOSIN
What did he say?
STEPAN
He said he wouldn’t make them too tight.
(Exit STEPAN)
PODKOLYOSIN
Getting married is a damned nuisance. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. So many details to keep track of… No, dammit, it’s not as easy as it’s cracked up to be. You there, Stepan!
(Enter STEPAN)
I forgot to tell you…
STEPAN
The old woman is here.
PODKOLYOSIN
Oh, she came. Tell her to come in.
(Exit STEPAN)
It’s an undertaking all right… a major undertaking.
(Enter FYOKLA)
Good morning, good morning, Fyokla Ivanovna. Well? What news? What developments? Take a chair, sit down and tell me everything. How… what… For example, her name. What’s her name? Eglaeia?
FYOKLA
Agafya Tikhonovna.
PODKOLYOSIN
Oh, yes, of course. Agafya Tikhonovna. And is it true she’s a spinster pushing forty?
FYOKLA
Not on your life! Not this one. You’ll thank your lucky stars day in and day out for a wife like this.
PODKOLYOSIN
Fyokla Ivanovna, you’re lying.
FYOKLA
Now I’m a liar. God strike me dead if it isn’t true.
PODKOLYOSIN
And the dowry? What about the dowry? Let’s go over it again.
FYOKLA
The dowry: one two‑story house in the Moscovski district and worth its weight in gold. 700 rubles in rent from the corn factor, and a tavern in the basement with a thriving clientele. Two wooden annexes, one built completely of wood and the other with a stone foundation. Each brings in 400 rubles in income. And in the Vyborg suburb a vegetable garden leased for three years to a merchant in the cabbage trade. And what a merchant, a sober godfearing man who won’t touch a drop, with three grown sons, two of them married and the third, he says,”He can mind the store. “I’m an old man,” he says, “and he’s young. He can mind the store.”
PODKOLYOSIN
But what about her? What does she look like?
FYOKLA
Oh, she’s refined! She has a cream and peaches complexion and she’s so sweet words can’t express it. Your cup of joy will spill over. To friend and foe you will never stop singing my praises.
PODKOLYOSIN
But isn’t it true she isn’t a lady?
FYOKLA
She’s a merchant’s daughter, but a merchant’s daughter that would do credit to a general. She won’t hear of marrying a merchant. I don’t care what he looks like, she says, but he has to be a gentleman. What a charmer! On Sundays she puts on a silk dress
that rustles to high heaven. A regular princess!
PODKOLYOSIN
But remember, I made it quite clear what my rank was, because a court councillor, you understand…
FYOKLA
Understand? What’s there to understand! She’s already turned down one court councillor. She didn’t take to him at all. He had an unfortunate habit. Every time he opened his mouth, out flew a lie. And it was a shame too, because he was a good looking man. It didn’t make him happy either, but what could he do? God moves in mysterious ways.
PODKOLYOSIN
But don’t you have any others?
FYOKLA
What do you want with others? This one is the best.
PODKOLYOSIN
Couldn’t there be another even better?
FYOKLA
You won’t find a girl like this in a thousand years.
PODKOLYOSIN
I’d better give it some thought. Why don’t you come back day after tomorrow? We’ll take it up where we left off, me lying here on the couch and you telling me about her.
FYOKLA
Oh, be reasonable, can’t you? I’ve been coming for three months and there’s still no end in sight. All you do is lie around in your bathrobe and puff on your pipe.
PODKOLYOSIN
And I suppose you think there is no more to getting married than calling out: Hey, Stepan! Bring me my boots! You’ve got to weigh the pros and cons, look at it from all sides.
FYOKLA
All right then, if what you want to do is look, we’ll go look. Get your coat. We’ll leave right now while it’s still early.
PODKOLYOSIN
Right now? But the sky is overcast, isn’t it? If I go outside, I’ll get caught in the rain.
FYOKLA
Too bad for you. You’re getting gray hairs anyhow. Before you know it, you won’t be marriage material at all. Nobody will care if you’re a court councillor or not. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. What makes you think you’re so special?
PODKOLYOSIN
What’s got into you? What are you talking about? What gray hairs? Where?
(Runs his fingers through his hair)
FYOKLA
Why not gray hairs? Everyone gets them. You better watch out. This one won’t do and that one won’t do. Aren’t you the choosy one. I’ve got a captain you can’t hold a candle to: a voice like a trombone and a job at the Admiralcy.
PODKOLYOSIN
I don’t believe it. Where’s the mirror? What makes you think I’ve got gray hairs? Stepan! Hurry, bring a mirror! No, wait. I’ll get it myself. God help me, I’d rather have smallpox.
(Enter KOCHKARYOV)
KOCHKARYOV
Podkolyosin?
(Catching sight of Fyokla)
What are you doing here? Oh, I could… What black day saw you marry me!
FYOKLA
What have you got to complain about? Haven’t you done your duty?
KOCHKARYOV
Done my duty? With that – ? She’s the last thing I needed!
FYOKLA
It was your idea, not mine. Don’t you remember? A wife! A wife! Get me a wife! I thought I’d never hear the end of it.
KOCHKARYOV
You poisonous old… But what are you doing here? Don’t tell me Podkolyosin…
FYOKLA
And so what if he is? It’s in the Bible: Be multiple and fructify.
KOCHKARYOV
That sneaky little… He never breathed a word. Well, well, well.
(Enter PODKOLYOSIN staring in a mirror)
KOCHKARYOV
(Sneaking up behind him)
Boo!
PODKOLYOSIN
(Dropping the mirror)
What’s the matter with you? Have you gone crazy? What a dumb thing to do. Frighten me out of my skin.
KOCHKARYOV
Can’t you take a joke?
PODKOLYOSIN
A joke! I almost had heart failure. And look! The mirror is broken. And it’s valuable. It’s an English mirror.
KOCHKARYOV
Oh, stop grousing. I’ll buy you another.
PODKOLYOSIN
Oh, yes. You’ll buy me another. I know what kind of mirror you’ll buy: it will add ten years to my age and give me warts.
KOCHKARYOV
Look, I’m the one who should be angry. You’re keeping secrets from me. Me, your best friend. Are you really going to get married?
PODKOLYOSIN
What rubbish! It never crossed my mind.
KOCHKARYOV
But there’s the evidence staring you in the eye.
(Pointing to FYOKLA)
Look at her! Madam Matrimony in person. Not that I have
anything against it. It’s a Christian and patriotic duty. I’ll be happy to take the whole matter personally in hand.
(To FYOKLA)
Let’s have the facts; what’s she like? Who is she? etcetera. What’s her background? Gentry? Merchant? Peasant? Something else? What’s her name?
FYOKLA
Agafya Tikhonova.
KOCHKARYOV
Agafya Tikhonova Brandalistova?
FYOKLA
No. Agafya Tikhonovna Cooperdyagina.
KOCHKARYOV
The one who lives in Bakers Row?
FYOKLA
No. The one who lives in Cannister Court.
KOCHKARYOV
Of course. In Cannister Court. The frame house over the barbershop.
FYOKLA
The stone house over the tavern.
KOCHKARYOV
The tavern? Where’s there a tavern?
FYOKLA
You walk into the courtyard and directly in front of you is the sentry box and past the sentry box you turn left and you’re staring right at it. I mean you’re staring at the brick house where the seamstress lives who used to live with the secretary of the Senate. You don’t go in to see the seamstress, though, you go next door where there’s a stone house which is her house, the house where she lives, Agafya Tikhonovna, the bride.
KOCHKARYOV
All right, all right. I’ve got it straight now. You can go. You’re not needed anymore.
FYOKLA
What are you saying? You think you can arrange a marriage?
KOCHKARYOV
Certainly I can. You’ll just be in the way.
FYOKLA
What an idea! Where’s your sense of decency? You think a man can handle a thing like this? Oh God, it’s true: Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
KOCHKARYOV
Go on, shoo! And keep your nose out of this. Mind your own business.
FYOKLA
Steal the bread out of my mouth, will you? Some people have no morals. I wouldn’t soil my hands with trash like you.
(To audience)
Why didn’t I have the sense to keep my mouth shut?
(Exits in high dudgeon)
KOCHKARYOV
All right. This isn’t something that can be put off. Let’s go.
PODKOLYOSIN
But I haven’t made up my mind. I was just toying with the idea.
KOCHKARYOV
Oh, come on. There’s nothing to be afraid of. We’ll go see her now and everything will be settled before you know it.
PODKOLYOSIN
You can’t be serious! Go right now?
KOCHKARYOV
But think, really. Just stop and think. You can see for yourself. What’s the point of being a bachelor? Look at your room. Well? What does it look like? There’s a dirty old shoe in one corner, and a washtub in the other, and over there is a pile of tobacco and a chair, and here you are holed up like some kind of steppe marmot.
PODKOLYOSIN
That’s true. I’m not very tidy.
KOCHKARYOV
Yes, and as soon as you have a wife you won’t recognize yourself. You won’t recognize anything: a sofa, a little lapdog, some canary bird singing in a cage, embroidery …. Imagine, you sit down on the sofa and suddenly the dear little thing sits down beside you, as pretty as a picture, and puts her soft little hand in yours…
PODKOLYOSIN
Dammit, you’re right. There’s nothing as soft as a woman’s hand.
KOCHKARYOV
That’s not all! They have other things beside hands. They have… words can’t describe it. God knows what they have…
PODKOLYOSIN
It’s true. It would be nice to have a pretty girl sitting beside me.
KOCHKARYOV
You see! You’ve figured it all out for yourself. Now all that remains is to get things organized. You don’t have to worry about a thing. The wedding breakfast and all the rest ‑ I’ll take care of it. You’ll need at least six magnums of champagne. Indispensable, no matter what you say. And then you absolutely must lay in a case of Madeira. The bride is bound to have dozens of godmothers and aunts, and they’re not easy to please. And we’d better get some Reisling too. What do you think? As for food: a caterer I know is just your man. He’ll stuff you so full of food you won’t be able to stand up from the table.
PODKOLYOSIN
Don’t get so carried away. You make it sound as if I were already married.
KOCHKARYOV
And why not? Why put it off? Don’t you see?
PODKOLYOSIN
Me? Well, no… I don’t exactly see.
KOCHKARYOV
Now don’t back out. You said you wanted to.
PODKOLYOSIN
All I said was that it might not be a bad idea.
KOCHKARYOV
But look, we’ve already settled it. What’s all this? You mean
life doesn’t appeal to you?
PODKOLYOSIN
No… It appeals to me.
KOCHKARYOV
So? What’s your objection?
PODKOLYOSIN
It’s not exactly that I object. It’s just funny, that’s all.
KOCHKARYOV
Funny? What’s funny about it?
PODKOLYOSIN
Obviously it’s funny. I’ve been a bachelor all my life, and now suddenly all at once I’m a husband.
KOCHKARYOV
Yes, yes, but… You ought to be ashamed. I see I’m going to have to talk to you man to man. Now look at yourself, take a good look, the same way you’re looking at me. Well, what do you see? Nothing. Just a stupid wall. What’s the sense in that? And what are you living for? Well, look in the mirror. What’s in it? A stupid face, nothing more. Now imagine yourself surrounded by little children, not just two or three, but maybe as many as six, and all the spitting image of you. On the one hand, you have one court councilor, and on the other, a whole troupe of court councillors, happy little cherubs, and one happy little cherub will pull your whiskers with his chubby little hand and you’ll wag your tail: woof! woof! woof! Now tell me truthfully, can you imagine anything better than that?
PODKOLYOSIN
But they’ll get in the way and mess up all my papers.
KOCHKARYOV
Well, let them. The main thing is they will all look exactly like you.
PODKOLYOSIN
Yes, I guess it would be sort of fun. .. Some pudgy little fellow, some fat little puppy just like yourself.
KOCHKARYOV
Fun? Of course it would be fun, incredible fun. Well, let’s go.
PODKOLYOSIN
All right. Let’s go.
KOCHKARYOV
Hey, Stepan! Hurry up with your master’s coat.
PODKOLYOSIN
(Dressing in front of the mirror)
I think I ought to wear my white waistcoat though.
KOCHKARYOV
Oh, come on. It doesn’t matter.
PODKOLYOSIN
That damned laundress, she never puts in enough starch. I can’t make my collar stand up right. Stepan, if you can’t get it through her thick head she has to do a better job, I’m going to take my business somewhere else. I bet all the time she should be ironing she’s busy making coweyes.
KOCHKARYOV
Come on, come on. You’re wasting time.
PODKOLYOSIN
In a second. In a second.
(Puts on frockcoat and sits down)
Listen, Ilya Fomich, you know what? Why don’t you go without me?
KOCHKARYOV
Now what! Have you gone crazy or something? Me go? Who’s getting married, me or you?
PODKOLYOSIN
Something tells me not to. Let’s wait until tomorrow.
KOCHKARYOV
Have you got softening of the brain? What a dumb ox. You’re all ready, and then suddenly: Let’s not go. You’re a jackass, you’re a goddamned jackass!
PODKOLYOSIN
Why are you swearing at me? What gives you the right to swear at me? What have I done to you?
KOCHKARYOV
You’re just a fool, a stupid fool. Everyone knows it. I don’t care
if you are a court councillor, how can you be so dumb? What do you think I’ve been knocking myself out for? For you, you idiot! Lying around all day twiddling your thumbs,,. damned solipsist! Tell, me, just tell me, what do you think it looks like? Well? Well? Damned insect! You know what you are? There’s a word for it, but I’m too polite to say it. You’re an old woman. That’s what you are.
PODKOLYOSIN
Fine friend you are! (In a low voice) Have you taken leave of your senses? Don’t you know better than to call me names in front of my servant? Can’t you find some other place to air your foul humor?
KOCHKARYOV
And why shouldn’t I call you names if I like? Who wouldn’t?
You’re enough to try anyone’s patience. Like any civilized man you decide to get married, you do the reasonable thing. And then suddenly you start acting like a mule.
PODKOLYOSIN
All right, stop it. I’ll go. Only stop abusing me.
KOCHKARYOV
You’ll go. Of course you’ll go. You’d be out of your mind not to.
(To STEPAN)
Get your master’s hat and coat.
PODKOLYOSIN
(At the door)
What an impossible person. I can’t even talk to you. One minute you’re sensible, and the next you start raving. You don’t have any manners.
KOCHKARYOV
All right. All right. I’ll behave.
(BOTH go out)
Scene ii: A room in AGAFYA TIKHONOVNA’S house. AGAFYA has laid out cardsfor fortune telling, and her aunt, ARINA PANTELEIMONOVNA, is watching, shading her eyes with her hands.
AGAFYA
Look! It’s come out again. There’s the King of Diamonds in the middle, and here are tears, and a love letter; and the King of Clubs on the left means great happiness, only I have to beware of a malicious woman.
ARINA
And who do you think is meant by the King of Clubs?
AGAFYA
I don’t know.
ARINA
I do.
AGAFYA
Who?
ARINA
Aleksei Dmitrievich Starikov, the wool merchant. He’s a fine man. It has to be him.
AGAFYA
It can’t be him. I’ll bet anything it’s not him.
ARINA
Don’t contradict me, Agafya Tikhonovna, you know his hair is dark brown. Who else could be a King of Clubs?
AGAFYA
But it can’t be him. The King of Clubs in that place has to be a gentleman. It’s a far cry from a King of Clubs to a merchant.
ARINA
Oh, Agafya Tikhonovna, if your dead father could hear you he’d turn over in his grave. Tikhon Panteleimonovich used to pound the table with his fist and shout: I spit on the man who is ashamed to be a merchant. No daughter of mine is going to marry a colonel, I don’t care what you say. And what’s good enough for me, is good enough for my son. Doesn’t a merchant serve the Tsar as well as the next man? That’s what he used to say. And all five of his fingers would grip the edge of the table. And he had hands like buckets they were so big. What a temper! If you want to know what I think, he drove your late mother to an early grave.
AGAFYA
And that’s the kind of wicked man you want me to marry? I wouldn’t marry a merchant for anything in the world.
ARINA
But Aleksei Dmitrievich is different.
AGAFYA
No, I won’t! I won’t! He has a beard and when he eats his food dribbles down it. No, never!
ARINA
And where are you going to find a gentleman? Do you think he’s going to fall out of the sky?
AGAFYA
Fyokla Ivanovna will find me one. She promised to find me the best kind there is.
ARINA
My little lamb, she’s a liar.
(Enter FYOKLA)
FYOKLA
God forgive you, Arina Panteleimonovna, for character exaggeration.
AGAFYA
Oh, Fyokla Ivanovna, tell me, tell me, is there good news?
FYOKLA
There is, there is, only first let me catch my breath. What I haven’t done for you. There’s nowhere I haven’t been: government bureaus, barracks, private dwellings… I almost got beaten up even. I ran into that old hag who married the Aferovs. She called me the most unspeakable names: “You’re nothing but a ….” Well, I won’t stoop to repeat them. “You’re taking the bread out of my mouth,” she says. “Stick to your own side of the street.” I told her straight back: “There’s nothing I won’t do for my young lady. I’ll walk through fire for her.” And oh, my, it’s paid off. Wait till you see what I’ve got for you. Some of them are coming to call today. I’ve run ahead on purpose to let you know.
AGAFYA
Today? Good heavens! Oh, Fyokla Ivanovna, dear, I’m frightened.
FYOKLA
What’s there to be afraid of? It’s the easiest thing in the world. They come in, they look at you, you look at them, and if you don’t like them ‑ goodbye.
ARINA
I hope you’ve managed to find somebody nice.
AGAFYA
But how many are coming? Are there a lot?
FYOKLA
Yes, about half a dozen.
AGAFYA
(Shrieks)
Oh!
FYOKLA
Now what are you getting so stirred up about? You’ll want a lot to choose from. If one doesn’t suit you, another will.
AGAFYA
Are they gentlemen?
FYOKLA
Born gentlemen, every one.
AGAFYA
But who are they? Who are they?
FYOKLA
Why, they are all nice, refined, well‑bred men. First, there’s Baltazar Baltazaravich Zhevakin, and he’s the cream of the cream. He’s a retired naval man. That one was made for you. He says he wants a girl with some meat on her bones, not one of your skinny toothpicks. And then there’s Ivan Pavlovich who works for the government, and he’s so important, I could hardly get in to see him. He has a very impressive appearance, he’s solid. How he bellowed: “Don’t waste your breath telling me she’s this and she’s that. I want to know one thing: What’s she worth?” “Well, she has so much in cash and so much in property.” “You’re lying, you witch!” And he used language it makes me blush to remember. It was clear as day he was somebody very extinguished.
AGAFYA
Yes, and what about the others?
FYOKLA
There’s Nikanor Ivanovich Anuchkin. What a lovely lovely man he is. So delicate, and lips, mother of God, like raspberries, ripe raspberries. Oh, my goodness, he’s fine. He said, “I want a wife who is pretty and well brought up and who knows how to speak French. He has wonderful manners and he’s very very subtle, with such slender aristocratic feet.
AGAFYA
I don’t know… these subtle sorts of men….I don’t see anything in them.
FYOKLA
Then take Ivan Pavlovich if you want someone with more weight to him. You couldn’t do better than him, no finer gentleman will walk through this door.
AGAFYA
How old is he?
FYOKLA
Oh, he’s young. Fifty, if that.
AGAFYA
What’s his last name?
FYOKLA
Egg. Ivan Pavlovich Egg.
AGAFYA
That’s his real name?
FYOKLA
That’s his real name.
AGAFYA
Oh, my goodness, what a name. Fyoklusha, imagine what it would be like if I married him, and then suddenly everyone started calling me Agafya Tikhonovna Egg. Good grief!
FYOKLA
I know. Russian names can make your hair stand on end. But if you don’t like his name, why not take Baltazar Baltazarovich Zhevakin? He’d make a wonderful husband.
AGAFYA
What’s his hair like?
FYOKLA
His hair is all right.
AGAFYA
And his nose?
FYOKLA
He has all his features. And he’s really a fine man. But don’t get angry when I tell you there’s only a stove in his apartment, and nothing else. He doesn’t have any furniture.
AGAFYA
Who else is there?
FYOKLA
Akinf Stepanovich Panteleyev, a titular councillor. Only he has a twitch, but to make up for it he’s very well conserved.
ARINA
You and your gentlemen! I bet he drinks too, just tell me that.
FYOKLA
Yes, he drinks, it’s true: he does drink. But what can you expect? He’s a titular councillor. But then, he’s as meek as a lamb.
AGAFYA
No, I don’t want to marry a drunkard.
FYOKLA
Whatever you say, for heaven’s sake. If you don’t like one, take another. But what does it matter if he has a bit too much sometimes? He won’t be drunk all week long. On some days he’s bound to be sober.
AGAFYA
Isn’t there anybody else?
FYOKLA
Yes, there’s one more, only he…. well, it’s none of my business. One of the others would be better.
AGAFYA
No, tell me about him.
FYOKLA
I thought I’d leave him out. He’s some kind of court councillor who wears a decoration in his buttonhole. But it’s hard for him to go anywhere because it’s impossible to get him to leave the house.
AGAFYA
Well, who else is there? That only makes five and you said six.
FYOKLA
Isn’t that enough for you? For someone who was so frightened
to begin with, you’re getting very choosy.
ARINA
Yes, and what do they amount to anyway, all these gentlemen? If you married all six of them they wouldn’t be worth one good merchant.
FYOKLA
You’re wrong, Arina Panteleimonovna. Everyone thinks more highly of a gentleman.
ARINA
Who cares what everyone thinks? Doesn’t Aleksei Dmitrievich ride around in a sleigh with a sable hat on his head?
FYOKLA
Yes, and if he meets a gentleman coming the other way, the gentleman says, “Out of my way, dog!” Or if the gentleman walks into his shop, he says, “Show me your best bolt of silk,” never mind please, and the merchant bows and answers, “Yes, sir, at your service, sir.” “Take off your hat when I address you,” that’s what the gentleman says.
ARINA
And the merchant doesn’t have to show him the silk if he doesn’t want to. And then your gentleman goes naked, he has no clothes to put on.
FYOKLA
And the gentleman pulls out his sword and cuts the merchant’s head off.
ARINA
And the merchant goes to the police to complain about the gentleman.
FYOKLA
And the gentleman goes to the senator to complain about the
merchant.
ARINA
And the merchant goes to the governor to complain about the gentleman.
FYOKLA
And the gentleman….
ARINA
Eyewash! Eyewash! The gentleman…. a governor is more important than a senator any day. You think so much of your fine gentleman. Just you wait. He gets his comeuppance too.
(Doorbell rings)
Somebody’s at the door.
FYOKLA
Oh, heavens, it’s them!
ARINA
Them? Who?
FYOKLA
Them. One of the gentlemen.
AGAFYA
(Screaming)
Ah!
ARINA
Oh, God help us! This room is a sight!
(Grabs up everything off the table and tears around the room)
Oh, and the tablecloth, the tablecloth is filthy dirty! Dunyashka!
(Enter DUNYASHKA)
Hurry! Get a clean tablecloth!
(Tears off the tablecloth and runs around the room)
AGAFYA
Oh, Aunt Arina, what should I do ? I’m not dressed!
ARINA
Oh, how awful, hurry! Go put something on.
(Flings about the room. DUNYASHKA brings a tablecloth. Doorbell rings again)
Tell them to wait a minute.
DUNYASHKA
Wait a minute!
AGAFYA
But Aunt Arina, my dress isn’t ironed.
ARINA
Oh, heaven help us. Wear something else.
FYOKLA
(Running after her)
Where are you going? Agafya Tikhonovna, hurry!
(Doorbell rings)
Oh, oh, oh, he’s still waiting to get in.
ARINA
Dunyashka, go answer the door and tell him to wait.
(DUNYASHKA runs into the hallway and opens the door. A VOICE is heard: “Is the young lady at home?” “Yes, come in.” All run to look through the keyhole)
AGAFYA
(Screaming)
Oh, he’s so fat!
FYOKLA
Here he comes, here he comes!
(THEY ALL run out together. Enter IVAN PAVLOVICH EGG and the
maid)
DUNYASHKA
Wait here.
(Exit DUNYASHKA)
EGG
Wait? All right. I’ll wait. But it better be short. They may miss me at the office. What if His Excellency asks: What happened to Egg? Oh, he went to see about a wife. I’ll see about him! I’d better take another look at the inventory.
(Reads)
“One two‑story stone house…”
(Raises his eyes and takes in the room)
Yes.
(Goes on reading)
“Two annexes, one with stone foundation, one wood.” May be good for nothing but kindling. But the old woman swore it was first class. All right, we’ll assume it’s first class. “Two dozen silver spoons…” One can’t set up house without silver spoons, of course. “Two fox fur coats.” Hmm. “Four large featherbeds, two small featherbeds…
(Compresses his lips meaningfully)
“Six silk dresses, six cotton dresses, two nightcaps, two…” Well, this item is ridiculous. “Linen napkins…” I won’t argue there; whatever she likes is all right with me. But I’d better check everything out. They promise houses and droshkies, and one ens up with pillows and featherbeds.
(Bell rings. DUNYASHKA runs through the room on tiptoe to open the door. VOICES: “Is the young lady home?” “Yes, sir, come in.”)
DUNYASHKA
Wait here. They’ll be with you in a minute.
(Exit DUNYASHKA. Anuchkin bows to EGG)
EGG
How do you do, sir.
ANUCHKIN
Do I have the honor of addressing my charming hostess’s dear father?
EGG
You are mistaken, sir. I have no children.
ANUCHKIN
Oh, excuse me, sir. Please do.
EGG
(Aside)
There’s something peculiar about that man’s face. He must be here for the same reason I am.
(Aloud)
No doubt you have some business with the lady of the house.
ANUCHKIN
Goodness, no. No business at all. I merely stopped by for a social call.
EGG
(Aside)
He’s lying. Social call, my eye! He wants to get married, the scum.
(Bell rings. DUNYASHKA flies across the room to open the door. VOICES in the hall: “Is the young lady home?”? Yes, sir,, come
in.”)
ZHEVAKIN
Help brush me off, dear. The dust outside is not to be believed. Here, please take this piece of lint.
(Shakes himself off, turns around)
That’s a good girl. Look, I’m sure that speck down there is a spider or something. Are you sure there’s nothing on my coattails? Everything in back all right? Thank you, my dear. I think there’s something on my sleeve, too.
(Brushes his sleeve while looking at ANUCHKIN and EGG)
It’s very good cloth. English cloth. Wears like a dream. In ninety‑five when the fleet was in Sicily and I was still a midshipman, I had a uniform made up from it. In l80l, under Pavel Petrovich, I was made a lieutenant, and the cloth was as good as new In l8l0, when we sailed around the world, it was only raveled a bit at the seams. I didn’t have it turned until l8l5, when I retired from the service. I’ve worn it for the last ten years and it’s as good as when I first bought it. Thank you, my dear…mmmm….Aren’t you pretty!
(Kisses his hand to her, goes to the mirror and ruffles his hair)
ANUCHKIN
Excuse me, sir, you did say Sicily, didn’t you? Would you be good enough to tell me if Sicily is an interesting country?
ZHEVAKIN
Oh, yes! It’s a delightful place! We were there for thirty‑four days. The vistas, I can tell you, are staggering. Majestic mountains and some kind of little fruit trees, and everywhere you look, lovely little Italian girls, such little flowers you can’t help wanting to kiss them.
ANUCHKIN
But do they have good manners?
ZHEVAKIN
Wonderful manners. The only women in Russia with manners as good are countesses. I used to walk down the street ‑ you know, a Russian naval lieutenant: epaulettes here of course …
(Points to his shoulders)
gold braid… and those dark‑eyed little beauties… All the houses are rigged out with little balconies and the roofs are like this floor, completely flat. I used to look up, and there on a balcony or rooftop I’d see some charming little blossom… Well, naturally to keep up the honor of an officer…
(Bows and waves his hand)
And then she would…
(Gestures with his hand)
Naturally, they wore dresses with some kind of taffeta here, little ribbons and different types of ladies’ earrings… Well, in a word, good enough to eat.
ANUCHKIN
And what ‑ if I may presume to ask ‑ what is the language spoken in Sicily?
ZHEVAKIN
Why, French of course.
ANUCHKIN
You mean, it’s absolutely certain that all the ladies in Sicily speak French?
ZHEVAKIN
All of them, without exception. You may not believe this, but we were there for thirty‑four days, and in thirty‑four days I never heard one of them utter a word of Russian.
ANUCHKIN
Not one word?
ZHEVAKIN
Of course, I can’t vouch for the gentry and the other signors, that is, the Sicilian officer class, but take the case of a simple peasant who hauls around all kinds of rubbish. Just try asking him for some food in Russian and he won’t understand a word. I swear to God. But if you say in French, “dateci del pane,” or “portate vino” he’ll understand, run get it, and bring it back at once.
EGG
Is that so… As I see it, Sicily must be an extremely interesting country. You just mentioned the peasant, for example. What about him? What is he really like? Is he similar to the Russian peasant? Does he have broad shoulders? Does he plow the fields?
ZHEVAKIN
I can’t say about that. I didn’t notice if they plow the fields or not, but as far as taking snuff goes, I can tell you not only does everyone sniff it through the nose, they also take it in the mouth. And then transportation is very cheap. There’s nothing but water all around and there are gondolas wherever you look… Naturally the little Italian beauties sit in them dressed in their ruffles with lace handkerchiefs on their heads… There were some English officers there, too, sailors, like us. And at first it really was very odd: we couldn’t understand each other. But then, as soon as we’d gotten to know each other, we had no trouble making ourselves understood. If you pointed to a bottle or a glass, it was clear you wanted a drink, and if you put your hand in front of your mouth and puffed with your lips, everyone knew you wanted to smoke. I would say in general languages are not nearly as hard to learn as they’re supposed to be. The sailors could understand each other perfectly after three days.
EGG
Life in foreign countries really is fascinating. I’m very happy to make the acquaintance of a man who has traveled. May I have the honor of knowing to whom I owe the pleasure of this conversation?
ZHEVAKIN
Zhevakin, sir, retired naval lieutenant. And for my part, may I enquire whom I have the pleasure of addressing?
EGG
Civil servant Ivan Pavlovich Egg.
ZHEVAKIN
(Not hearing)
Yes, I had a bite to eat too. The day is long and it’s rather brisk out. I stopped for some herring and a roll.
EGG
No, I don’t think you heard correctly. My family name is Egg.
ZHEVAKIN
Excuse me, please do. I’m slightly hard of hearing. I had the impression you had stopped to eat an egg.
EGG
It really is a nuisance. I considered asking His Excellency to be good enough to address me as Begg, but my family took the negative view. They were afraid I’d be mistaken for a Turk.
ZHEVAKIN
That often happens. Among the officers and sailors of the Third Squadron there were men with the strangest names: Pantsoff, Shirtoff, Lieutenant Passkey. There was even a midshipman, and he was a very good midshipman, whose name was plain Off. It made a very curious impression on the sailors. They always used to laugh when they heard the captain call: “Get me Off.”
(Bell rings. FYOKLA runs across to answer)
ALL
Good morning, ma’am. How are you, etc.
FYOKLA
(Running, out of breath)
Thank you, thank you, fine.
(VOICES: “Is the young lady home?” Yes, come in.” Then several inaudible words to which FYOKLA replies in irritation: “Look
who’s here.”)
KOCHKARYOV
(To PODKOLYOSIN)
Now pull yourself together and act like a man.
(Looking around and exchanging bows, in some surprise)
What a lot of riffraff! They can’t all be looking for a wife.
(Nudges FYOKLA and whispers)
Where’d you dig up these scarecrows?
FYOKLA
These are not scarecrows. These are all respectable gentlemen.
KOCHKARYOV
If wishes were horses beggars would ride.
FYOKLA
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
KOCHKARYOV
Many hands make light work.
(Aloud)
Where is she? What’s she doing? Is this the door to her bedroom?
(Goes to the door)
FYOKLA
Shame on you! I told you she was dressing.
KOCHKARYOV
So what? What’s the difference? I just want to look, that’s all.
ZHEVAKIN
I confess to a certain curiosity myself.
EGG
If I may be allowed a glimpse….
KOCHKARYOV
(Continuing to look through keyhole)
There’s nothing to see, gentlemen. Just some white thing moving around. Impossible to say if it’s a woman or a pillow.
(Nonetheless they all crowd around the keyhole trying to look)
Shhh! Somebody’s coming.
(All run away from the door. Enter AGAFYA and ARINA. All bow.)
ARINA
And to what do we owe the honor of this visit, sir?
EGG
I read a notice in the newspaper advertising timber for sale, and occupying a position of financial responsibility in the Office of the Treasury, I am here to enquire what type of timber you are offering, in what quantity you can supply it, and by what date it can be delivered.
ARINA
We placed no such notice, but you are welcome all the same. And what is your name?
EGG
Collegiate Assessor Ivan Pavlovich Egg.
ARINA
Please be seated.
(Turning to ZHEVAKIN)
And if I may ask….
ZHEVAKIN
I saw another notice of some kind in the paper. Why not look into it? I thought. The weather couldn’t be finer, the grass is springing by the roadside…
ARINA
And what is your name?
ZHEVAKIN
Retired naval lieutenant Baltazar Baltazarovich Zhevakin, the second. There was another Lieutenant Zhevakin, but he retired before me. Poor thing, he was wounded in the knee, and the bullet entered at such an odd angle it actually missed the knee and struck the tendon behind, which caused his leg to buckle so that when he stood behind you it was like being kicked in the shin.
ARINA
Won’t you please sit down.
(Turning to ANUCHKIN)
And if I may ask….
ANUCHKIN
Sociability, madam. Being in the neighborhood, I thought to myself, why not pay a call? It’s the neighborly thing to do.
ARINA
Oh! Don’t you live in the house across the street where Tulubova, the merchant’s wife, lives?
ANUCHKIN
No, at the present time I am living on the other side of town, but eventually, however, I do indeed plan to move to this side of town, somewhere in this vicinity.
ARINA
Won’t you please sit down.
(To KOCHKARYOV)
And if I may ask…
KOCHKARYOV
You mean you really don’t recognize me?
(Turning to AGAFYA)
And you don’t either, young lady?
AGAFYA
As far as I can tell, I’ve never seen you before.
KOCHKARYOV
But think for a minute! You must have seen me.
AGAFYA
I really don’t know where. Could it have been at the Biryushkins?
KOCHKARYOV
Exactly. At the Biryushkins.
AGAFYA
Oh! Then you must have heard what happened to her.
KOCHKARYOV
Of course. She got married.
AGAFYA
That wouldn’t be so bad, but no, she broke her leg.
ARINA
And broke it in two places. She was coming home in a droshky and the driver was drunk and crashed into a lamppost.
KOCHKARYOV
Yes, that’s just what I thought: either she got married or she broke her leg.
ARINA
And what is your name?
KOCHKARYOV
Why, Ilya Fomich Kochkaryov, we’re practically related, my wife never stops talking about it… Let me introduce my friend…
(Drags PODKOLYOSIN over by the elbow)
Ivan Kusmich Podkolyosin, Court Councilor. He serves in the dispatch department where he’s in charge of everything. He has organized the whole department to perfection. An invaluable man.
ARINA
What did you say your friend’s name was?
KOCHKARYOV
Podkolyosin, Ivan Kusmich Podkolkyosin. The director is a mere figurehead. This is your man: Ivan Kusmich Podkolyosin. He runs the whole office.
ARINA
I see. Won’t you please be seated.
(Enter STARIKOV, bows repeatedly in the merchant fashion with his hands to his side)
STARIKOV
Good day, Arina Panteleimonovna. I heard in the bazaar that you had some wool cloth for sale.
AGAFYA
(Turning disdainfully aside, in an audible undertone)
This is not a shop for woollens or anything else.
STARIKOV
Oh, oh! Have I come at the wrong time? Or have you settled things without me?
ARINA
Please, please, Aleksei Dmitrievich, we’re glad to see you whether we’re selling wool or not. Please sit down.
(ALL seated. Silence)
EGG
Odd weather we’re having today: This morning it looked like it was going to pour rain, and now somehow it doesn’t.
AGAFYA
Yes, the weather is simply unbelievable. At times the sun shines and at other times it won’t stop raining. I hate that.
ZHEVAKIN
I was in Sicily with the fleet in the spring ‑ our February, you know. Well, sometimes when I left the house the sun was shining and then it would start to rain and I’d get all wet.
KOCHKARYOV
What’s worst of all is when you’re all by yourself in weather like that. For a married man, it’s all right; he has company. But for someone living alone, it’s simply…
ZHEVAKIN
Oh, death! Absolute death!
ANUCHKIN
Indeed, that’s very true.
KOCHKARYOV
Worse than death! It’s torture, sheer torture! God spare me such a fate.
EGG
And how, young lady, given the choice, would you decide? Allow us to know your preference. Excuse me for being so direct, but what calling would you prefer in a husband?
ZHEVAKIN
Yes, would you like him to be a man who had weathered the high seas?
KOCHKARYOV
No, no. The best husband in my opinion is the man who can run a whole department singlehandedly.
ANUCHKIN
But why be prejudiced? Who would look down on a man who, although he had served in the infantry naturally, on the other hand, still knows the value of good manners and appreciates what it means to move in the best society?
EGG
Young lady, decide.
(AGAFYA is silent)
FYOKLA
Answer. For heaven’s sake, say something.
EGG
(To FYOKLA)
What was that, ma’am?
KOCHKARYOV
What’s your opinion, Agafya Tikhonovna?
FYOKLA
Say something, hurry! Say “thank you” or “gladly” ‑ you can’t just sit there.
AGAFYA
(Quietly)
I’m ashamed. I really am. I’m going to leave, I really am. Aunt Arina, you look after them for me.
FYOKLA
Aiii! You can’t do this, you can’t. Think what a disgrace! Oh, how awful! What will they think?
AGAFYA
(Still quietly)
No, I’m leaving. I really am. I’m leaving. I’m leaving.
(AGAFYA runs out. The other WOMEN follow)
EGG
That does it. Now look! They’ve all run away! What can it mean?
KOCHKARYOV
Something must have happened.
ZHEVAKIN
Something to do with her clothes… the feminine toilette… she must have gone to fix something… a ribbon… a pin.
(FYOKLA comes in. ALL run up to her asking: What’s the matter?
What’s the matter?)
KOCHKARYOV
Did something happen?
FYOKLA
Why should something happen? For heaven’s sake, nothing’s happened.
ZHEVAKIN
Then why did she run out like that?
FYOKLA
She left because she’s shy, that’s why. She had a moment of confusion, that’s all. She sends her excuses and invites you all back this evening for a cup of tea.
(Exit FYOKLA)
EGG
(Aside)
A cup of tea! Oh, hell! That’s what I hate about this business. There’s always a snag. Today is out of the question, so come back tomorrow, and then the day after tomorrow you’re still swilling tea and they still have to think about it. Why make such mountains out of molehills? Dammit, I’m a busy man. I can’t waste my time on it.
KOCHKARYOV
(To PODKOLYOSIN)
She’s not bad looking, is she?
PODKOLYOSIN
No, not bad looking.
ZHEVAKIN
She’s a very pretty little girl.
KOCHKARYOV
(Aside)
Oh, hell. The idiot has fallen in love. He may make trouble.
(Aloud)
She’s ugly, ugly as sin.
EGG
Her nose is long.
ZHEVAKIN
Well, I didn’t notice her nose. She’s a … little flower.
ANUCHKIN
I see what you mean. Something about her is… wrong. I’m not even sure she knows how to behave in polite society. And… does she speak French?
ZHEVAKIN
But why, if I may ask, didn’t you try her out in French? Maybe she does.
ANUCHKIN
You think I speak French? No, I didn’t have the benefit of that kind of education. My father was a swine. It never entered his head to teach me French. I was still a child and nothing could have been easier; all I needed was for someone to beat it into me, and I would have learned it, I know I would have.
ZHEVAKIN
So if you don’t know it yourself, why do you think she…
ANUCHKIN
You don’t understand. A woman is a being of a higher order. She has to know French. If she doesn’t, she isn’t… she can’t…
(Gestures)
It would ruin everything.
EGG
(Aside)
That’s his worry. What I’m going to do is have a look around outside. If the house and everything else is what it’s supposed to be, I’ll settle the matter this evening. Those others don’t have a prayer: a mangy sort of showing. Girls aren’t interested in types like that.
ZHEVAKIN
(To ANUCHKIN)
I’ll go along and have a smoke. Perhaps we’re headed the same way? May I ask which way your direction lies?
ANUCHKIN
The other side of town.
ZHEVAKIN
Well, that’s a bit out of my way. But if you don’t mind, I’ll accompany you all the same.
(ANUCHKIN and ZHEVAKIN go out)
STARIKOV
It’s over my head, Agafya Tikhonovna, but when this is all over, don’t forget me. My respects, gentlemen.
(STARIKOV bows and leaves)
PODKOLYOSIN
What about us? Shouldn’t we leave too?
KOCHKARYOV
It’s true, isn’t it? She’s very sweet.
PODKOLYOSIN
What do you mean? I didn’t care for her at all.
KOCHKARYOV
Oh, for heaven’s sake. Didn’t you just say yourself she was pretty?
PODKOLYOSIN
Yes, only… her nose is long and she doesn’t speak French.
KOCHKARYOV
What difference does that make? Do you?
PODKOLYOSIN
Well, all the same, you shouldn’t marry a girl who doesn’t speak French.
KOCHKARYOV
And why pray?
PODKOLYOSIN
Because… I don’t know why, but I’m sure there’s a reason.
KOCHKARYOV
You idiot. Just because you heard someone else say… you’re a parrot, a mindless parrot. She’s a beauty, a real beauty. You can’t find girls like that anymore.
PODKOLYOSIN
She did seem all right at first, but then when I kept hearing “long nose, long nose” I thought about it and realized it was true: her nose is long.
KOCHKARYOV
How can you be so naive? They said it on purpose to put you off. And I played it the same way. That’s how this sort of thing is done. Don’t you know anything? She’s a treasure. Her eyes alone! What eyes! They speak, they breathe. And her nose is a beautiful nose. It’s as smooth as alabaster. Smoother. You take another look.
PODKOLYOSIN
(Smiling)
Yes, you’re right. Now you mention it, she is rather pretty.
KOCHKARYOV
Of course she’s pretty. Look, they’ve all gone. Let’s go settle it with her. Nothing could be easier.
PODKOLYOSIN
No, I don’t want to.
KOCHKARYOV
Why not?
PODKOLYOSIN
It’s bad taste to push yourself forward. With so many to choose from, she should decide herself.
KOCHKARYOV
Why worry about the others? Are you afraid of competition or what? I can send them all packing in a minute.
PODKOLYOSIN
How can you do that?
KOCHKARYOV
That’s my business. Just give me your word that you won’t back out later.
PODKOLYOSIN
Why not? All right. I won’t back out. I want to get married.
KOCHKARYOV
Your hand on it!
PODKOLYOSIN
Here!
KOCHKARYOV
Fine. That’s all I need.
(End Act I . Please contact me if you wish to read the full play)